Fi Says

Summer!!!!

2006-07-22T11:08:00.000-11:00

Well, it has been quite a long time since I wrote anything up here. It completely does not cross my mind to look at my blog, or anyone elses for that matter. It was brought to my attention that I never finished the saga of Tom, Jerry, Shrek, Bambi, Faline, and Slash. And there have been several endings.

I forgot to mention that sometime between February and March Shrek, the one from work, quit and I haven't seen him since. It makes me sad because I never really got to say goodbye. Now I'll never see him ever again. Endings like that make me sad. I haven't thought about him in a long time, though, so that is over and done with for a long time.

Tom and Jerry no longer matter either because I'll never see them again. I never saw them outside of school during high school, so there is no way I'll see them now that high school is over. [On a very important but tangent note: I GRADUATED!!!! YAY!!!!] I'm not going to waste my time wondering about them because I know they waste no time wondering about me. Also because I have realized a few things about myself. First, as much as I am cynic, I am also an optimistic, romantic dreamer. Secondly, going hand in hand with my first realization, is that I have a somewhat bad habit of ignoring the bad sides of people completely, seeing only the good, so much so that it is a bad habit sometimes and not just a good quality. I tried so hard not to judge people that I have a hard time acknowleging the bad because it would make me feel guilty about holding a grudge against someone over "nothing." I have been forced to acknowledge that some people are just jerks and that instead of ignoring the fact I should just get over it and give them hardly a nevermind. Not to say that I don't beleive in second chances and the fact that people can mature and change, but just to help me realize how things are at the moment. So in short, nothing ever became of P&P saga, except for the fact that I learned something.

Bambi almost asked me to prom but didn't. He has always crushed on the girls who don't have the patience for him or are too popular for him and wouldn't give him a chance. I take comfort in knowing that though he did not go with me, he in fact did not go with anyone, and even further did not go at all. So at least if he didn't go with me, he didn't go without me. And I don't know if I'd want to date him as a boyfriend, but it would have been nice having a real date to a dance instead of just friends. Friends are fine, but it just aint the same. I may see Bambi again and I may not, but I think we'd both be happy to see each other and catch up if things worked out that way.

Faline is still a good friend of mine. In fact, I need to talk to her so we can get together with friends and all hang out at least once before all us high school graduates go off to college.

Slash is still my best friend and I see her all the time, as she is also my neighbor. We're taking a driving course together this coming week, so I'm sure we'll be an annoyance to the teacher by talking too much, but we'll have more fun than anyone else, so there. ;P

Summers going well. I still have my job and its fun and all. Sadly I'll be leaving soon, but happily, I'll be going off to college! Bittersweet, just like its been for every other person in my schools since the beginning of time, so I needn't say any more about that.

Pride and Predjudice

2006-03-05T16:56:00.000-11:00

I think that Jerry and I could be like Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth from Pride and Predjudice. My English class is reading that book right now, so I can easily tie it into the people I know.
If my self esteem would let me, I'd say that Jerry is like Mr. Darcy, but that would involve letting myself think that a guy could really like me that way. Instead I think I am more like Mr. Darcy and Jerry like Elizabeth. At first I snubbed Jerry like Mr. Darcy snubbed Elizabeth. But because of Elizabeth's indifferent, candid attitude towards him, Mr. Darcy fell for her, even against the judgement of society and friends. At a point I started to like Jerry, but by then he had most likely heard negative reports of me by Xander and Tom, and some other friends, playing the part of Mr. Wickham, and did not really take the time to get to know me personally.
I think that a friend of mine who knows Jerry made have inadvertantly shown Jerry a different side of me. The side that had passion, compassion, honesty, and concern. The more he saw of this side of me, the more he wanted to get to know it, perhaps thinking it was more accurate and would be good to become aquainted with. (There I hopefully conjecure.) Here is the time at the beginning of Volume III. Darcy and Elizabeth meet again, each a little changed and open to new ideas.
I think that instead of being so forward, I'll instead ask him if he plans on being part of the pit for the school musical, and see where a conversation from that angle takes us. If anywhere. Odds are he just thinks I'm weird.

Tom and Jerry and Others

2006-03-02T13:21:00.000-11:00

I don't know exactly where to begin. My entries are so few and far between that I forget what I've mentioned and have not mentioned.
In my last entry I rearranged everyone's code names, so I guess I'll start there. I am still not sure about the new Shrek. Becca said that from what I told her, it sounded like he really liked me. I'm sure he likes me as a person, but I'm not sure if its anything more. Its not like I see him enough to be able to really tell though. I still like him: I still get the fuzzy content feeling when I see him.
But one thing has changed- what I have once again begun to think about the newly renamed Jerry. Just a little background first, though.
My best friend Slash is also in band, but she sits across the room, without very many people to talk to close by. So she and I communicate across the room by hand gestures and very exagerated facial expressions. To be able to see her, I sorta face the general area where Tom and Jerry sit. They can't help but see all the funny faces I make, and I'm sure they can make out some of the mouth reading. Most times, however, they just look confused, like they can't quite understand how we can talk so much without saying anything.
Enough background. We recently had concert with strings. Band didn't really play much, so to keep from going insane with bordom, Slash and I conversed silently for little bits of time. She was in the row right behind me so it was very convenient and not too distruptive. In the row right behind her sat Tom and Jerry. I was trying to converse with Slash, but Jerry has a very clear view of me, so he starts making faces. They were very funny faces, so I kept glancing back at him. He made a very mean face, like he was scrutinizing me with great disdain, but his eyes gave away the fact that he was just laughing on the inside. He couldn't keep a straight face. He kept ending up smiling after a few seconds. Today in band he saw me gesturing to Slash and he started making faces again. I can't make mean faces at this guy for very long either. I want to get to know him better; I don't even know if he has a job.
I've only been in close proximity to him a very few times, and each time I've felt irrationally happy. Maybe thats why I sort of liked Tom for a while. Maybe I just thought I liked him. The only time I see Tom is when Jerry is nearby. Maybe I confused the happiness from Jerry with the almost liking of Tom, and just confused myself into liking both when I only really liked the one. (That made sense in my head, but its more confusing written down, so sorry about that.) I just have the feeling that I will regret it for a very long time if I never talk to Jerry about this. So what if he doesn't like me like that after all? At least I'll know, right? I just don't know what to say.

"Hey "Jerry"! Could I talk to you for a second?"
"I was wondering what you're opinion of me is, and if you'd want to catch a movie or something sometime?"
Or:
"I liked the way you smile at me during class. I wish I could see it more often, but I never see you..."
Or:
maybe if he makes more faces at me, beam back and wink.

Yeah, all that would be very interesting, but it isn't very characteristic of me. Plus I feel kinda akward about it a) because so many people will be around, and b) because I do still like "Shrek" a fair bit.

On amch different note- I have excellent news!!! I got a letter in the mail from ODU informing me that I had won a Presidential Scholarship!!!!! It pays for in-state tuition, fees, room and board, a personal computer to be mine upon graduation, and guaranteed admission to the honors college!!! I'm so happy and releived. I just have to keep my GPA above a certain level to keep it, and mail in my final high school transcript.

Back to Codes

2006-02-12T13:39:00.000-11:00

A lot has happened here recently involving the people referred to previously with code names. Bambi, Faline, and Skunk's names will stay the same. Those referred to previously as Tom and Shrek are now Tom and Jerry, like the cartoon characters.

So Faline broke up with Skunk, finally. He was no good for her. He never matured past the mind set of middle school dating. He only followed her around and talked to her and sometimes held her hand. She dumped him and now he just follows her around trying to make everything like the way it was. He basically stalking her, and if he doesn't leave her alone, Slash and I will have to speak to him and warn him about annoying Faline. She's got so many people who will stick up for her, and Slash and I have no qualms about reporting Skunk to a teacher to get him to leave her alone. I think Bambi is about to start getting really annoyed with Skunk soon, but I don't think he wants to go out with Faline. I think he likes a sophomore clarinet.

But I realized the other day that I have a lot of invluence over Bambi. He has a very high opinion of me. He always says hello and is willing to talk. It just takes a lot of patience to talk to him because he can be kind of a spazz. He's really sweet, though, and I can't stand it when people make fun of him for being so intense.

But I think I'm falling for a guy at work. He now gets to title of "Shrek" for a code name. He's really nice, and tall, with blonde hair, and a sweet disposition, but he's normal. Yay! I need to talk to Becca about him, or maybe Betsy. They both have more guy sense than any other of my friends. I just can never tell what they are thinking. Girls I can read like an open book, but guys are like me trying to read Greek. I really, really like this guy, I just don't know what he thinks of me. Sometimes, when I say something, he says "You would." in a very accusing tone, with a smile. Is he just playing with me? What does it mean? Is he disappointed or impressed? I don't think that he doesn't like me, however, because yesterday, when I was working in yarn, he had to work returns, putting them all back where they belong. He had to be all around the one side of the store, but he parks his cart of stuff near me, so he ends up having to come back to it to get more stuff to put away, and he could talk to me everytime he came back to his cart. I beam at him when I can, and I always get a beam in return. It makes me feel all fuzzy inside. I know this sounds cheesy, but I have to watch where I'm going when I notice he's around, because I get too distracted with thinking about talking to him and what he thinks of me, that I have to be careful I don't run into things. *sigh* He keeps trying to convince me to go to VCU, which would mean I'd stick around close to here, and VCU is where he goes.

Ah, but the night is running away, and I still have stuff to do. Before it gets too late, I have to practice the English Horn, then Stats homework, then fill out my FAFSA.

Spirit Week

2006-02-09T11:39:00.000-11:00

This week at school is spirit week because of winter homecoming, for the basketball team. Monday was country/western day. I wore blue jeans, a tank top, and a red and white checkered flannel shirt. Tuesday was tie-dye day. I just wore one of many tie-dyed t-shirts because I didn't feel like going all out. Yesterday was Royalty Day. Slash and I went all out. I got a beautiful green dress from Goodwill, and I wore a tiara that I wore in my aunt's wedding a long time ago. I put my hair in a high ponytail, brushing it for once, you know. Then I took a pinch of hair, twisted it taught, so it curled back upon itself, and then hairsprayed it back into place. I continued this until all the hair from my ponytail was used up, so I ended up with a lovely curly bun with a tiny tiara in front of it, without using a curling iron or blowdryer. I just love having curly volumunous hair. Slash has very straight hair, with hardly any volume and she is quite jealous sometimes. However, she looks much older than fifteen, which makes me jealous because nobody thinks that I am old at all. She's younger than I am, but everyone thinks she older than I. However, the green of my dress was quite becomming to me, meaning it made me look really beautiful and "hot". I got so many compliments and therefore turned pink so many times, I thought my cheeks would stay red forever and a day. You know, I am not one to fish for compliments; I just thought it would be fun to be "Princess Fiona" for a day like from the movie Shrek. But it does make me feel a whole lot better about myself after so many compliments. I have decided a day when you feel down is not the day to dress for drab, but a day to dress your best. All the compliments will just perk you right back up. Which brings me to another topic to discuss in a few minutes. Today was decade day. I chose the 20's, a flapper for the day. I wore my old homecoming dress from the fall, the red shrug I got for Christmas, dark stockings, adorable shoes, and my red cloche hat. I looked adorable today too, I must say. (My homecoming dress is a simple a-line, strapless, dress: black with tiny white polka dots all over it. It has red tulle fluffing out the bottom a little bit, with just a hint showing, but it went supurbly well with my lovely red hat. I got many compliments today too.

Mom got a book from the library the other day called Color Me Beautiful. It tells women basically how to dress nicely to compliment their own natural beauty and personality. It descrices 4 main types of natural coloring, one for each of the seasons. Mom and I are still trying to decide whether I'm a winter or summer. Winter and summer colors are so close together its rather hard to tell. I want to get Slash up here so we can do her too and have her opinions helping us. The book was really helpful, but a little vague. Mom borrowed a revised edition from her friend, but we're going to get our own copy soon. The revised edition has variations within each season, so it will be easier to pin down our exact colorings, etc. The book also describes body types and clothign styles. I think all this information will be very useful in college in order to make good impressions everywhere I go. The whole theory behind the book is that certain people look better in certain colors. The use of improper colors can make a person look drained and drab, and while looks aren't everything, they do play a major role in people's lives. Other colors make people look great, stand out, make good impressions. If someone can isolate the best colors she is doing a very good thing for herself. No longer will she have a closet of clothes but nothing to wear. (Reminds me of the phrase "Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink. ;) Anyway, she will always look good in those colors, no matter what, and when they colors are put together along with her respective personality, she can look good all the time. A wardrobe properly maintained can save money and make life easier in the mornings, before outings, whenever dressing is necessary.

Mom and I saw this theory in action when we went shopping for a suit for me. Some of the pinks and grays just did nothing for me. Others made me look very healthy. Some made me look okay, but I just faded into the woodwork. We settled on a suit that Mom described as making me seem to say "Okay, I'm here! Lets get down to business, and give me money!" The purpose of getting this suit is to make a good impression is I have to go for more scholarship interveiwing at ODU. I think it unlikely, but I have no objection to getting a suit because it may come in handy later.

Last Saturday I went down to ODU for their "University Scholars Day". I thought it was just another time for us to get to see the college, but part of the invitation mentioned something about Dean and Presidential scholarships. I was surprised to see professors there, and I even met the Dean of the College of Arts and Letters, the college I plan to attend. I looked nice, and I think I made a good impression, but I had not known what to expect. It was not until later when Dad mentioned it that I realized that the Dean and President of the school were there because were we being judged almost for Dean and Presidential scholarships. I'm glad I did not know, because at least this way I was not acting any different than my usual self. At least I was honest, blonde and naiive, but at least honest. However, next time I'll be alittle more prepared because I'll have a beautiful suit to wear!

A Crazy Week

2006-01-15T11:01:00.000-11:00

This whole past week has been so busy! This whole month is wicked busy too, but especially this past week. Last Sunday I worked all day. Monday I had school all morning and work after school. Tuesday I had school all day and then a field trip to CNU to see Blast! which was amazing by the way. Its like a marching band on stage, but its more than a marching band. They have props and themes, and a drumline and spectacular guard team too. Of course, I didn't get back to my house until around midnight. I still had homework to do, so I did not get bed until 1:30 or 2:00. And we had early bird the next morning which meant waking up a 6:30. Tyler actually fell asleep during band class that morning. It was really funny because another guy in his section fell asleep too, so they missed an entrance. Mr. Auman hollers "WAKE SAXOPHONES!!!" They both jumped a mile high! I say it serves Mr. Auman right for making us come in that early. Wednesday I had school and work. Thursday I had school and then all county band from 6-9. Friday I had ACB from 9 to 5:30. Saturday we practiced from 9:00 to about 2, and then had the concert at three. We sounded really good at the concert, but the music wasn't hard at all, and I really did not feel challenged, which is more the point of the operation than to give an awesome concert. I had fun, but I would have had more if my friends had been there. No juniors at all came, I don't think. Most of my band friends are juniors: I don't fit in well with the seniors or sophomores. For districts I'm bringing a hackysack for breaks. Or cards or a book, or a least somehing to keep me from getting bored. After the concert I went home and took a nap while m parents went to game night at our friends' house. Tyler came home from work and we both joined them. I ended up spending the night to catch up with my friend who I had not really gotten to see in a while. We played an extremely scary and suspenseful video game until about 2:00 in the morning, and then we had to watch something funny so we could actually get to sleep. So we went to bed at around 4:00. We didn't wake up until 1:30ish and had breakfast. Then I went home. I took a shower and here I am. And I just realized how boring it is to give soemone a step by step of the day.

Anyway, no school tomorrow, so I have some time to goof off and actually like have fun, something I haven't really done until yesterday. I have to call work and check my schedule to see if I'm working tomorrow. I requested off Sunday because I thought the concert was on Sunday, so I did not have to work at all all weekend! It was really fun! I hope I don't have to work tomorrow, but if I do it will onyl be in the evening, so I'll have time to sleep in and do homework. Yay.

Procrastinating...

2006-01-05T17:20:00.000-11:00

You would not beleive how easy it is to not do homework. Especially when you find something you enjy to do, like write. I did not work tonight, so I had a whole TON of extra time and not much homework. I got to watch TV and like relax. I had a doctor's appointment after 6th today so I did not go to chemistry, so I did not get chemistry homework. I probly ought to finish up real quick the stuff I did not finish from yesterday, though. I did most of it today in school, and its real easy, so it won't take too long. All I had to do for Stats was read, and I did that during commercials. It finally clicked for me and it was amazing! I just love it when that happens!

Thinking of work, or rather the lack thereof, I have to tell you about this lady I work with who made me kinda mad. My manager was being slow and walking the store slow, so I, who had been on register all night, could not go. I was getting kinda aggravated because I wanted to go home.

"I wish she would hurry up," I said to my friend Brittany. "I need to get home. I have to get up early tomorrow."

"Yeah, me too," she said. "I get up at about 5. I hate the way they close sometimes."

Then this older lady coworker comes up and says, "I don't think you guys should be complaining. I work a full time job and part time here." In a really snotty voice, like the two of us were hardly worth the effort of telling off.

"Yeah," I said, sort of agreeing, but trying to compromise, "but you don't get like graded really for it."

"I don't get graded on it," she snipped back, "but if I don't do well, I get fired. I have to pay for a house and putting kids through school."

"Yeah, and groceries, and health bills," I agreed not wanting to fight about it, just wanting to concede.

"Yeah," she said. "So don't complain."

I do not like the tone she took with me, to be honest. Why do grown ups think like they know everything. Things change from decade to decade ya know. Its not like I'm some snobby, preppy bitch who does not actaully work at work and is an airhead who only cares about getting laid. I work my butt off in school to do well, so I can get a scholarship to go to college. Because you know what, I may live in the West End, but my parents are not going to pay for my post secondary education. I'm going to earn it for myself. I go to school for 40 hours a week, the same ammount of time as full time job. I just don't get paid for it. I also work part time, just like my snitty coworker. I also get at least another 10 hours of homework a week. I'm good at what I do and I do no like the fact that my coworker took such a self righteous tone with me just because I'm not as old as she is. When I am that old I will entrust it to my friends, make them swear by blood, that if I act that snobby, stressed out, menopausal-bitchy, self righteous, holier than you, treat you as not important attitude, that they will take me into the woods, shoot me, and leave my body to be ravaged by wild dogs. I never EVER EVER want to be like that. Age makes no difference to a soul, someone's essence of being. I want to try to make every effort to get to know people's souls, not just their patterns of behavior. I do not want to lose the ability to know and care about what makes the people I am aquainted with do the things they do.

Happy New Year

2006-01-04T17:01:00.000-11:00

Well all, it was quite an eventful year last year. I've had a lot going on, especially recently. Working keeps me busy all the time. I work 2-3 nights after school, and all day Saturday and Sunday. So its twenty hours of work a week, on top of fourty hours of school a week, plus at least 12 hours of homework each week. I get about 5 hours of sleep every night. But Winter break really was a nice break. I can hardly believe that I've only been back in school for two days. I've been even more tired because I got used to getting a solid 10 + hours of sleep a night over break. I have not written in a while because I was even busy over break. I decided to write tonight because its almost like therapy for me and i've been pretty stressed.

I turned in my application to ODU, but I still have not yet heard back. Nor have I heard back from the German scholarship. I would really like to hear back soon so I could get some plans going. Next August seems far away now, but it may not seem so far away in three months.

I can't wait until graduation! It's the first thing I wrote on my new calendar for this year.

I also have some new life plans to add to my agenda. I want to move to Italy. I think its the most beautiful place on the planet; no wonder the Rennaisance started in Italy- what an inspiration from the land itself. Plus, I'm so sick of the weather here. I think that if its cold, there ought to be snow on the ground. Not where I live! It snows and then is 50 degrees the very next days. And when it is cold for a long time, it doesn't snow. I'm still holding out for 3 feet to weeks from now so that exams get cancelled. Anyway, though, because I am tired of the cold I have decided to move someplace where it is always warm.

The rest of this year will be very exciting! I have starting a sca band, all county band, all district band, spring trip, spring break, summer, a week at the beach, and Germany (possibly), and college to look forward to. I said earlier that I can't wait until graduation. I just can't wait until I've enjoyed all these things I am looking forward to now.

Can you believe that I'm already worried about Prom? Yeah, its in like May and i'm already thinking about it. Its all because of my hair, you see. I hate the length it is right now because its too short to just flip over my shoulders, but if I pull it back, I look like a chicken. I was talking to a friend who said that I should grow it out until prom time and then decide what to do with it when I get my hair fixed for prom. That sounds like a good plan for me, but I do not know if I have that much patience. I do not even know if I will like it long! Curly hair is so much harder to handle than straight hair. Chin length curly hair is not hard to handle at all. Plus, I went and saw King Kong, and she has nineteen twenties short hair, which looked great, and reminded me of how nice mine was when short. Also, short hair looks ten times better with cloche hats, and I just LOVE wearing hats. I look forward to rainy days because they give me a reason to want to cover my head with a hat. Hats look good on me and I love wearing them. I got the cutest red one for Christmas. It is just adorable, and I think it makes me look older.

So I think I want to wear a red dress to prom. All prom court members wear red, but it has never been said that you can't wear red if not on court, so I think it would be okay. I want a dress with a really, really full skirt that I can twirl in, but I also do not want to look fat. I plan on actually having a date this year. I learned from last year: get one early before all the good ones are gone. I'm thinking start making things interesting around Valentine's time.

I would like to write more, and it has been fun, but I need to excercise some control and finish my schoolwork. I need to keep my grades up, and sleep too, so I'm going to work on homework til 12:15 at the latest, and then go to bed, finifhed or not.

News

2005-12-15T16:36:00.000-11:00

I really like giving evryone code names. It makes me think things over a little more objectively.
My last post was about Faline, Skunk, and Bambi. Skunk and Faline are still going out. bambi is cool with it all. Bambi and I are starting to form a sca band called Top B. It stands for That Other Pep Band, a long story that I do not have time for right now. If we ever had time to practice, we could actually start to be really good. We have quite a few others joining us too, but right now we are working on reorganizing who plays what.
I finally got a job around the end of November. The first few nights i did not get much sleep because I kept waking up trying to ring up the price on my alarm clock, and then feeling bad because I could not do it correctly. Its no wonder I could not get it right- its hard to ring things up in bed! One night I even wandered, half asleep, into my mom's room asking for a price check and my manager. Then I woke up the rest of the way and crawled very confusedly back into bed. But now I am quite proud of myself because I am finally figuring the whole thing out. This time of year is a very crazy time to start working because we are extremely busy. I barely have time to breathe, let alone do anything but register at work. Hopefully it will become less stressful when the holidays are over, etc. Now I must go. Tomorrow is the last day of school before winter break, so of course all the teachers are giving tests.

Boys

2005-11-10T12:36:00.000-11:00

Boys are crazy and they make life very difficult. Of course, I'm sure they feel the same way about girls, but okay.

I'll begin with the dating life of a little freshman who shall henceforth be referred to as Faline. She thinks that this one guy likes her. I'll call him Bambi. But right now she is going out with this other guy I'll call Skunk. I'm not so sure that Bambi likes Faline in any more than an older brotherly way, but she thinks he really likes her. However, Skunk was the first to ask Faline out and I think he is erally fond of her, even if he does just follow her around. Bambi had time and a hlaf to ask her out and he did not, so I think he doesn't like in a sense that he wants to date her. On the other hand, Bambi told Faline that he doesn't think she should date Skunk, but not why, so he may perhaps be jealous. But Faline did not tell Bambi that she was going to date Skunk. I think that perhaps Bambi feels a little betrayed that Faline did not trust him to confide in, etc. This causes a little tension with band, mostly caused by Faline herself, but makes things a little more interesting.

So now about me, seems how I'm on the dating speel. Remember the guys I posted about a while ago? I bet you don't, but there were these two guys and I gave them numbers. I get the numbers confused, so I will give them nicknames too. Guy previously #3 is now Shrek, and #2 is now Tom. About Tom: Part of me is really disappointed in his imaturity, butanother part wants so much to see the good in everyone and look past all his flaws to see much better person. I could date and love the better person, and could probably help him mature a little bit, but I don't really like who he is right now.

Shrek on the other hand is ten times more likeable, but I don't know what he thinks of me. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm just a silly girl surrounded by friends, with no real purpose, but other times he sees me as more of a person. He just doesn't know me very well, but he seems sweet. Except when he hangs around Tom too much. He acts differently when he is with Tom, like he has to save face or something. But I like him much more than Tom despite that because he is more gentlemanly. I am disappointed in him too for no acting more grown up.

I think people think I'm weird for skipping a grade. They don't know what to think of me but don't really care to take the time to find out.

A freshman oboe player was adorable today. She is the only oboe in fourth period and I don't think she likes it. I feel so bad for her because it really stinks to be the only one on your part. Plus I hear she's good and it will be nice to have some competition again. So I told her that if she'd really like it and if it is okay with Mr. Auman I'll come in during fourth and play with her if I can.

Filler

2005-10-23T09:01:00.000-11:00

I have so much to fill in about, its hard to know where to begin. I left off with a comment about designs for a new band prop.

It turns out that only I and my friend Becca submitted designs for the prop. 2 of mine got accepted, out of three they needed, to I became an Atrist in Cheif. Ironic because I am in band, not art, but oh well. I put a ton of time into making it nice, and bow does it look nice. This whole week was made crazy because of this prop. Wednesday afternoon Bec and I met with Mr. Auman to find paint, from 5-6:30. Turns out I was supposed to meet my parents at a restaurant at 6:15, so I ended up terribly late, but they were okay with it. I stayed got a pass to go to the auditorium all of Thursday to work on drawing out the designs, and then I stayed after practice until 11 to finish painting it. I didn't get home until about 11:15, when I discovered I still had Graded Stats homework to do. AHHHH!!! So I stayed up until 1:30 doing that, only to get up again at 6:30 to go to early bird to put the finishing touches on it. I was half sick, half asleep all day because of lack of sleep, so I think I did really poorly on my Chemistry test. I have a high grage in that class, so it won't hurt me much, but I don't really like getting bad grades.

Friday evening, however, made it al worthwhile. Get this: Deep Run was undefeated, while Godwin had only won one or two games. Its Deep Run's homecoming, and we beat them 10- zip. A shut out game! Against Deep Run!!!!! I couldn't beleive it. And things were only just beginning. Deep Run, apparently jokingly, challenged us to a drum off. We actually accepted, which they didn't realize until about Wednesday. It was announced at school, and at the game to go to the location, and Deep Run didn't even show!!! WOWZERS!!! But wait, there's more. We had a competition the next day, yesterday, and we get Grand Champion of classes 3- and 4A. We haven't done that well at anything since Spring Trip my freshman year. I was so proud, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. This has just been an amazing weekend. I keep pinching myself to see if its still true. We see Deep Run at a competition on Saturday, and I can't wait to see their faces!

Practice, Cabbages, and Kings

2005-10-17T12:41:00.000-11:00

Today was by far the most interesting band practice yet. Slash and I finally started pretending to fight with each other, but we aren't sure if Section Leader, code name Xander, noticed. Slash and I are tired of Xander's slack attitude, and we are resentful of the fact that we do most of the work for the section. So we decided to spice things up and make his life a little more stressful by pretending to fight. Fight, then easy breezy make up, then fight again, then make up again, etc, just to confuse him. So today Slach and I "fight" but we kinda worried the rest of our section. They are utterly shocked that we are fighting, or so they think. Slash and I are the best of friends, so we can pull off pretend fighting very well. But our section is sad that we are "mad" at each other, so they keep trying to get us to make up. Its so hard to keep from having a good laugh together! Two hours of not talking to ones best friend is most difficult, but its worth it to get back at Xander, even if it is in a very minor way.

Another thing to make mention of is the band's new policy on props. Mr. A decided that we need to have a prop to show up our rival high school band DR. We still need a design, so I'm going to come up with a few ideas tonight. We are murally a tetrahedon, three sided pyramid, with the three states of matter, but we don't know quite how yet. I'm torn between tackling a new project and my aversion to props. I think that having props is dumb because it draws away from the band, but to level the playing feild, we need them. Its new and exciting, but very hard for me to let go of my old inhibitions for the things. this isn't too extreme, so it should be all right, I guess. Not much I can do to change it now anyway- you know what they say, if you can't beat them, join them. I don't want it to look bad, like the t-shirts, so I'll do my best to crank out a few pleasant designs.

Competition

2005-10-16T09:23:00.000-11:00

Yesterday band had the first competition of the year. Out of four bands, we placed third. I am just happy we placed, unlike Hermitage. There were four bands in out category, but one should have been kicked out. Deep Run is the uber super rich west end school. They pay a professional choreographer to make their drill, they get huge props, and they do stuff that isnt even marching. Their marching itself isnt all that great, but they get really high general effect scores because of the props. They should not compete, because they are on a different level. Godwin doesn't do props, because we believe that we are a marching band, not some sort of crazy float.

The bus ride was much fun! Slash and I are conniving agianst our section leader. We are going to mess with his head. Tomorrow morning we are going to pretend to fight, and then "make up" that afternoon before practice, just to confuse him. Then we are going to be really sweet to him, then go bipolar cranky with him. We've made his life too easy by helping out, etc., so we're just going to shake things up a bit.

I want to see what happens with his other two friends in band. I'll refer to them as Guy #2 and Guy #3, from my post on September 2. These two confuse me. #2 practically goes out of his way too annoy me, and I don't know why he and #3 are friends. With his eyes, #3 seems to try to apologize for #2's behavior, but they are still friends. I think he feels bad for me for dealing with greif from #2, and that he likes me for taking it so well, but he doesn't want to tell #2 off for it. Partly because #3 and I aren't all that great of friends to make it worth it for him to tell #2 off for me. He doesn't want to risk fighting with #2, I guess. I really don't know if that is hwat they really think, or not.

The day we have all been waiting for is finally here!

2005-10-07T09:44:00.000-11:00

Today is homecoming. Three days ago I was most excited, until I found out that it was supposed to rain today. For once, the weatherman was right. It rained buckets today, and its still drizzly out, supposed to get worse. The game didn't get postponed, but because it continued to rain, they cancelled the parade, and band isn't going. No halftime show. And I miss the game. But I am going to the dance. No date. Couldn't work up the nerve to ask Anyone. Anyone is probably volunteering anyway, so it doesn't matter. But I'm going regardless. I will not miss the my senior homecoming dance!

The Pep Rally today was AWESOME!!!!!! It was the longest pep rally in the school's history. The senior guy's dance was indescribably amazing. I can't even begin to explain, so I'll just say that its nice to see guys dancing and being hot once in a while. A bit of a reversal seems how guys get to watch cheerleaders at games every week.

Alpacas

2005-10-01T17:06:00.000-11:00

I went to the state fair today. I really liked the alpaca exhibit. Alpacas are so adorable!!! They have big bambi eyes, and fluffy heads, and soft, cuddly bodies. If I ever come into a bit of money randomly, I will buy a bunch of land and raise alpacas. Maybe when I retire.

Its really odd that I am already thinking of retiring when I've never had a job. I act as if its going to happen soon and that I ought to plan for it now while I can, but things are completely different than that. I guess I know that everyone retires, so I must at some point. At least, everyone plans on growing old and retiring, but not everyone does. It troubles me to think of all the people who die young. What happens to their dreams. Young people have so much potential. Isn't energy not supposed to be created or destroyed? If it can't be destoyed, where does all that potential energy go? That reminds me of the poem:

A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

The more I think about it the more I want to know. Dreams are like potential energy. Good creates dreams, and evil destroys them. Good creates energy and light, and evil destroys it. That makes sense, but it saddens me to think of all the poor souls whose potential was destroyed.

War movies move me so much. I always want to cry when I see them. All those young men who lost their lives. All their dreams shot down; but not only the dreams of the soldiers, but also their parents, siblings, sweethearts. I guess that life is about change, though, and it goes on to build more dreams from the ashes of those lost, forgotten, shot down, or exploded. I want to live better and happier knowing I've been blessed with the ability to live out some of my dreams. I feel that I should live and enjoy life as much as I can so that I have something to share with those who could not when I meet them in Heaven.

More on Homecoming Dilemmas

2005-09-25T14:00:00.000-11:00

I don't want ya'll to think I'm obsessive about the subject of homecoming, but it is a matter of utmost stress and importance. Yes, I do think of other things, but right now there are issues.

So my brother did not ask my friend, because I told him he really shouldn't, so instead he asked his ex-girlfriend from his sophomore year. She really was a bad influence on him, and she moved away, so it was going to be rough. He knew I didn't really approve, but he did anyway. Then tonight I find out that he is going with his other ex-girlfriend that he went to prom with last year. I really like her, and I approve, but he has not lost his annoying status. As much as I dislike the first girl he asked, I don't think it is quite right of him to change his mind and then ditch her. Its all for the best, I suppose, but still. At least its his problem and not mine.

So moving on to my problem: I still don't have a date, and I'm not sure whether or not to ask a guy. One guy I COULd ask is nice, but a little weird, but I kinda think he should ask, if he hasn't already, a freshman friend of mine in band. They would be cute together. On the other hand, I have known and liked him for a while. Liked at different times in different magnitudes, but we go way back. The other guy I met last year, but I don't know how weird it would be going with him. Firstly, I'd rather he worked up the guts to ask me, but he might be volunteering. If I wait to long he may not be able to switch up the schedule or whathaveyou.

I also like playing matchmaker and I thought of the cutest match just yesterday. Code name: Clucky and Little John, like from Robin Hood. "LJ" really isnt little, so thats how I'll remember. Both sophomores, and the more I think about it, the cuter they'd be together. I just don't know what "Clucky" will think of it, but "LJ" is rather sweet and endearing, so we'll see.

Homecoming Dilemmas

2005-09-17T14:42:00.000-11:00

I know it may seem a little early to be thinking about homecoming, but its really not. Its going to come up fast, and its already creating problems.

My brother wants to ask my best friend. Last year he was dating another one of my friends, so he took her. I wish he would either A) stop dating my friends, or B) at least reciprocate by gettign his own friends and letting me date them. My friend that he wants to take now is three years younger than he. The only reason he knows her is because we are such good friends and we're practically always at one anothers houses. But I don't know what to do about this dilemma.

I never EVER wanted to go through my brother dating another friend of mine, but I knew it was going to happen. Just like I knew that in 6th grade my best friend from elementary school, we were going to split apart. I saw it coming from a while away, and I tried to stop it, but it happened anyway. For the best, I guess, but DAMN did it hurt. I had lost friends by moving away, but never by staying in the same place and drifting apart.

The First Few Days of School

2005-09-08T14:37:00.000-11:00

These first few days have been crazy, but sometimes it feels like summer never even happened. I haven't quite gotten my brain back into school mode, so I feel a little out of it. I keep thinking, "Gee, if I weren't in school, I'd be out having fun." The whole learning for the sake of learning feeling has not gotten back into, so I am continuosly trying to convince myself that it is worth it to be in school. Most of the stuff I am learning seems completely worthless beacause I'll never use it again in my life. But I know I ought to have a well rounded education for my future just in case I change my mind about what I want to do. Plus, being a foreign service officer requires not only knowledge of politics, but knowledge of most other things as well. It requires being well rounded and conversant in many subjects. I love learning, and gaining new knowledge, and thinking hard, but a lot of school is sitting around waiting for others to catch up, or waiting for worksheets to be passed out, or waiting for the teacher to call roll, and generally not spending our time learning and expanding our horizons.

The whole band situation will be interesting for the next few days. Alex has been threatening to quit jazz band, but I told him if he quit, I'd make his life miserable, or at least the parts when I'm around. He didn't quite understand, so I explained that if he quit jazz band, I'd be miserable, and if I am miserable, I get cranky, and cranky people aren't nice, and me not being nice on purpose is not good.

Tyler switched into jazz band today, which rearranged his schedule so that we now share four classes: Wind Ensemble, English, History, and Jazz Band. I think it will be nice being in the same classes, but we'll have to see. Band won't be a big deal, but the other classes may be.

Last Days Before School

2005-09-04T13:35:00.000-11:00

Today and yesterday have been the two most beautiful days of summer. The humidity has been low, and so have the temperatures. Its like summer is offering its best before things change. Tempting us to never go back to school, making us truely wish that summer would last forever and ever and ever. I can't believe that this is my last real summer. Sure, I'll get summer break in college, but I'll probably get a job, so summer will never be the same.

Half of me is looking forward to the start of school, but the other half most definitely is not. Part of me knows that this is going to really be a great school year, full of fun and surpises, but the other half fears the end. I don't want this to ever end. I'll always have the memories, though, won't I? If I ever feel like I regret my whole life, I'll look back and remember these few days, weeks, months, and I'll smile. Life doesn't end with high school, I say to myself, it only begins. I really am looking forward to bigger and better things.

A Story From The Most Recent Wednesday

2005-09-02T14:58:00.000-11:00

This is my last Friday EVER to enjoy summer break. College summer break just won't be the same because I'll have a job. I feel so old. I really can't beleive that this is it. My very last year in high school. (Ha- unless I fail English and science. I don't think I could fail one class, let alone two, even if I wanted to.) I keep telling myself, "Hey, it can only get better." but things here are so nice. I guess this is why some people are afraid to get to Heaven. Things here on Earth are no nice, why not just leave things the way they are and stay here forever. When really, Heaven can only be better than things here. Life goes on I guess, whether I want it to or not, so I may as well want it to.

You remember my post about a month ago? Well, the saga continues. The guys I know from band are still around and still very much a puzzle. So guy #2 was takling to me as we were all getting a group picture taken. He was sitting behind me, with guy #3 on his left. So first he starts flipping my hair. I had trouble getting it into my hat, so I put it in pigtails that stick out. I was cranky about having such troublesome hair and I certainly didn't want it messed with, so I told him if he touched my hair again I'd turn around and punch him. On second thought, that may have been a little extreme, but it was hot, and as I said, I was alreday cranky about my hair. He stopeed flipping my hair at least.

Next thing I know, he puts his hand on my shoulder.

I said, "Dude, why is your hand on my shoulder. Don't touch me."

So he takes his hand off and says, "Fiona, do you beleive in true love?"

I was not expecting this, and I had no idea whether or not it was some sort of trick question to answer and get made fun of, and I also had no idea where the conversation was going, so I decided to go with a safe answer: "Maybe."

"Fiona, do you love me?" he asked next.

"Ummm, no," I replied. What else was I supposed to say? I barely know the guy: I don't know his moral viewpoints, his political viewpoints, what his favorite color is, nothing. I don't think he registered my reply, beacause guy #3 cut in:

"What kind of answer was 'Maybe,' anyway?" he asked. "That's not an answer."

"Its an answer, its just a bad one," I said. It is a bad answer.

"Yeah, it is a bad answer," #3 agreed.

"But, Fiona," #2 says, "you haven't answered my other question. Do you love me?"

"I said no, #2." I said.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me that," he insisted.

I turn around, tilt my head up, look into his eyes, which are blue by the way, and said, "No."

"No what?" he demanded, still digging for a different answer.

I just rolled my eyes, and so did the people around listening. At that point, though, the band mommies were setting everybody to take pictures.

Sneakers

2005-09-02T04:56:00.000-11:00

I absolutely HATE shopping for sneakers. None ever fit. I need new sneakers because my feet hurt frommarching in old shoes. The only pairs of shoes that ever fit are awesful for marching in. Vans was the only brand that fit nicely, but they aren't really even sneakers. Shoes made for normal feet clench too tight, but the ones made wide are widened in the wrong spots.

And I went to Ben franklin's to see if they had looked at my application, but they said to come back when I was more available. So its been a bad day so far.

About the Cookout

2005-08-29T06:34:00.000-11:00

I had so much more fun at the baritone cookout than I ever thought I would. There were a few moments where I was sicked out and had to change the subject, but for the most part it was hilarious.

Through most of dinner I was scared to swallow. I was afraid that as soon as the food started going down I'd start laughing uncontrollably and I'd choke. Don't youi hate it when you start laughing at something not-so-funny, and then you find it funny that you laughed, so you keep laughing, and then people laugh at you because your STILL laughing, but even when they stop laughing at you, you can't stop laughing because things seem funnier and funnier all the time? Well, that happened to me like five times while we were eating. That may be due to the three glasses of Kool Aid and two glasses of Code Red Mountain Dew, but yeah.

We cranked ice cream before we started eating, while everyone was arriving, so it was ready for dessert. I also made brownies for dessert. Not that anyone needed any more sugar, but it was good. I don't think any of the guys had ever seen me that hyper. Except maybe Connor, because he watched a movie of me, Becca, and Charlotte at our Kool-Aid/Pixie Stik party.

After dessert we played Killer Bunnies. That was incredibly awesome, but it was so hard to get them to all calm down and shut up for long enough to teach them how to play. Once we got going, though, it was great. Allen, one of the freshman, his brother kept calling his cell phone asking for it back. Finally Allen gave the phone to Akash to answer. Akash is Indian, so he hears how Indian people speak all the time, so he can do a perfect imitation Indian accent. "Hello? Who are you? Why do keeping calling this number?" We all almost died laughing. After one game of Killer Bunnies we split into two groups, one group playing cards the other Killer Bunnies. After another game we split again, rearranged tables, and then continued to play. Everybody was gone by about 11. Allison, Tyler, and I wanted to watch the Muppet Movie because Allison has never seen it, but it was late and she still had chores to do, so we'll have to watch it some other time.

I'm so glad Allison and I decided to have a cookout. Everybody got to know each other ten times better, except for Matt and Nick, who weren't there, and alex who left early. I would say that everbody left happy, but they were sad because they had to go.

Friday Already!!!

2005-08-26T09:25:00.000-11:00

Well, it certainly has been an exciting week. Band has been fun, I mean, as fun as band can get. Allison is no longer grating on my nerves too badly. I was tired, and everyone was making mountains out of anthills that day.

The only thing I have problems with are a few of the band male seniors. The first one, Alex, is my section leader, and I just don't know what to make of him. Sometimes he seems incredibly nice and fun, and other times he's just a complete jerk. Examples: today while setting drill Mr. Auman was working with other groups of people, so my section sat down. We were all talking and stuff and Alex suggests playing a game of quackdiddlyohso. (I seriously doubt that I spelled that correctly, but for those of you who don't know its a clapping elimination game.) We all had a fun time playing, including Alex. But then this afternoon while we were practicing inside, he was a total jerk and really, REALLY pissed me off.

We were playing, with our horns and all, practicing this one part of a song, when he creeps up with his horn to Allison's ear, and blasts as loud as he can for about 6 beats. I turned and saw him backing away, and as soon as we finished playing I turned around and just laid out on him, sputtering I was so mad. "Don't you dare EVER do that again! Just don't! Don't do it! Its not funny! Don't, don't, just don't." If looks could kill, Alex would be dead, because I glared at him and his buddies with all my might and disdain. I could feel the sparks flowing from my eyes. I'm sure he thought it would be a really funny joke, but jokes like that really can mess up people's hearing for a long time. I hope I didn't scare him too badly, though, its just that I saw him in the act and he tried to deny it. But you know, even if it had not been he who did the blasting, it should have been he who stopped whomever it was who would have done it. He is section leader, which means its his responsibility to look after the whole section. I think he realized afterwards how "uncool" and immature his actions were. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he got a whole bunch of people together to try to crash the cookout tomorrow. If he plans to, he has no idea how miserable his life will be shortly thereafter. He most likely won't, but I really wouldn't be surprised. I don't know him well enough to know WHAT goes through his mind.

Band Camp

2005-08-22T09:59:00.000-11:00

Band camp has been pretty rough so far. It started last Monday, the 15th of August, running from 5pm-9pm. The first 2 days there was no air conditioning in the school, it was hot, and the humidity was at about 98%. It thunderstormed both Monday and Tuesday, so we had to go inside, out of the rain, but into the school with no AC. That was hard. They finally turned on the AC Wednesday, but it took a few days for it to cool down. I skipped band on Wednesday and went to King's Dominion with some old friends from middle school. That was quite fun, but I went back to practice on Thursday and Friday.

It has been nice with Allison around, but she has started grating on my nerves a little bit. I'm sure I have bothered her a little bit too, you pretty much can't help it if you see someone as much as the two of us see each other. She has a bad habit of picking at everything I saw. I referred to her camelbak, that you wear on your back and fill with water to drink from as her "backback" and she started nagging me about it. "Backpack?" she aked haughtilly, "Backpack? I don't have a backpack. Do you mean my Camelbak?" I mean seriously, why make a big deal about a simple misreference? And its not like that is the only time she does it. She picks at every little thing I say, as if trying to make me look dumb in front of everyone else, to demean me, it seems. It's probably just her habit to be a perfectionist like that, and I doubt she consciously does it to make me look bad, because we are friends and all, but it is still very annoying. I am making a special effort to not dignify with a pick at her in return, and I hope that my setting a watch in front of my lips will set an example that she will end up following. Her picking and digging at others' imperfectiond really has helped me identify how often I do it. Like instead of nicely commenting about a mistake, I used to snip and dig, but now I am trying to actually nicely comment. It gets more work done anyway.

Thinking about the whole situation in the most paranoid way, I would say that she is trying to push me away. Maybe she thinks that if she is mean enough I won't talk to her as often, and we would become distanced as friends. Our distance would freee her from any obligations from me towards Tyler. I have made it clear that none of my friends can date him, so maybe she thinks if we are only distanced friends he will be available. Of course, I seriously doubt that she is even merely as conniving as all that, and that even if she were conniving she wouldn't act that way anyway. It is nice, however to voice nasty nagging little thoughts to the voi of cyberspace.

Practice was rough today- the first 8 hour practice. I got pretty tan, so I hope it doesn't turn to burn overnight. My arms are very sore from standing at attention and marching holding up my horn for so long while we practiced. I looked death at the one helper in chage of marching technique when he started ragging on the baritones to keep the horns up. I was tired and very fed up with his little speeches while we were at attention.

I was especially tired beacuse I stayed up really late last night sewing. I made two skirts ths weekend, one Saturday, and one Sunday night. Really, really late Sunday night; I din't get into bed until 1 am. And then I had to get up at 7:20. Not much sleep, but I got the skirt finished. I designed a new pattern, one with vertical stripes and inset seams to flare it at the bottom. The Saturday skirt had 8 inset seams (YIKES!!!) but the one on Sunday only had four because I only had a yard of fabric. I may make a couple more variations later, but for now thats it.

Car Wash

2005-08-13T07:25:00.000-11:00

Wow, today was so much fun! I convinced Allison to come to the badn car wash today, and it was the best!!! We held signs almost the entire time, standing on a street corner, glistening in the sun. And so many nummy bits drove by, oh my goodness! Our policy became, if they honk or wave, we wave back, because odds are we will never ever see them again. Also, to try to get all the 18 wheelers to honk.

This one white truck drove by, on the other side of the median, and they were honking and waving so we hollered and waved back. That was really fun. And its not like we were acting slutty or anything. Gym shorts and old shirts, not like a mini skirt and a spaghetti strap.

When I went to get water, Allison said a car of like 4 Mexicans drove by, and they waved and one of them blew her a kiss. Later, when I was there, they drove by again. Then, when we went back to where they were washing cars, they were there, and Slash and I were like OMG! We were scared they were gong to be like, "Heeyyyy..." but they didn't, thank goodness.

Allison and I walked over to Wendy's for lunch, and it was sooooo nice in the AC. Its about 98 degrees out down here, without factoring in the heat index. We were walking back, and this truck full of really hot guys saw us. They said like, "Hey baby, how you doin'?" leering and stuff, so we ignored them. People don't realize that Slash is only like 14. She looks a LOT older, especially when she wears sunglasses. One girl asked her if she were 23 once! Craziness!

Its kinda weird to finally be this age. Like, last year, and the year before, guys didn't look at me like they do now. Now they look at me as if I'm actually goodlooking, which is new for me. I try to be nice, cuz its kinda a compliment that they think I'm pretty, but I don't want them to take my niceness the wrong way, like I'm easy or a pushover or anything.

My Room

2005-08-11T15:27:00.000-11:00

Well, I finally painted my room this week. Finally, because I've had the paint for about a year. It is BRIGHT orange with a pinky-orange-coral color feather dustered on top, and I love it. I really did turn out fantastic, if I may say so myself. We, Tyler and I, also painted and feather dustered a bookshelf to coordinate. Its so awesome! I just love it when things coordinate. I think I'm going to try to paint pink on my dressers where it is blue. My dressers are white with baby blue trim and a stencil on the front of each. A hint of pink with accent it just enough to draw it into the rest of my room. I am also painting the releif on my closet doors pink, but I'm not sure if it will stay. Tyler and I tried painting another bookshelf, but the paint just peeled off. We may try again after painting a layer of Kilz, or we may just give up and settle with a brown bookshelf. I just don't want the room to look too dark, because my desk is also a dark brown. My tiny bookshelf is pink to match and old bedroom of mine in another house, and it fits quite nicely in my new orange room already. My green curtains also look nice against the orange. They add just enough of an accent to the room to brighten it up. I am very pleased with my room; you could hardly recognize it as the same one it was before. I rearranged the furniture, and it is actually CLEAN. WHOA!!!

Allison came over yesterday evening, and she, Tyler, and I played Killer Bunnies. That was tons of fun, and I got really hyper. I don't quite know why, but that game really winds me up. I just add more flair to the game overall. I giggle when I get nice cards, cackle quite evily when I try to kill someone's bunny, and overall make the game more intense. Allison, who usually rolls her eyes at my giggling and cackling, actually laughed quite evily herself last night when she killed my bunny. She laughed, and then a very surprised look came over her, and she clasped her hands over her mouth, as if her laugh had surprised even herself. It was the funniest thing to watch. We laughed for like ten minutes afterwards, until we were pink in the face and almost in tears.

Mom and I went and got me a homecoming dress today. Its the prettiest thing you ever saw. Its a simlply, adorably classic a-line dress, strapless; black with white polka dots, a red flower, a red sash, and red tule showing from underneath at the bottom. I was shocked because I am usually a size 3, but in this dress I am a size 9. That fact almost makes me feel fat, but not quite, because the sales lady said that that particular brand always ran their dress sizes small. I just hope it still fits come homecoming when I have lost so much weight from band camp. I usually do not like black, but this dress brings out my color, and the red make it look so daring and bold and dashing.

Sunday

2005-08-07T09:37:00.000-11:00

I was really tempted to skip church today. Instead of walking down to Allison's house I could turn the corner and go to the park. But I started feeling guilty, and I knew the feeling would only get worse if I actually went through with my plan, so I went to Allison's house in the end. I had fun, even if I didn't like the Sunday school teacher.

The teacher seemed like a nice lady and all, but she was extraordinarily anti-femenist. Most baptists are, I guess. Anyway, we were looking at the story of Abram and she goes on this whole tangent about how women should not be heads of households,and should only date christian men who know how to put them in their place, and all the other teachers were agreeing! We had some guys in our class today and she said, "We have been born in an era of weak men and I hope some of you guys can step up to the plate and get things going right." Grrr, that just ticked me off. I am just as capable of any guy, intellectually speaking. Yes, its true that men and women often think in different patterns, approach things in different ways, but that doesn't mean that my way is wrong. My way may sometimes make more sense, others maybe not, but that isn't because I'm a girl. They act like women should just be dominated, and that is not right, at least for me. Like that song says, "I want a man who stands BESIDE me, not IN FRONT OF, or BEHIND me."

Summer Ending

2005-08-03T13:08:00.000-11:00

I know that this is only the beginning of August, but summer is winding down. I have the rest of this week and all of next week for complete freedom, and then band camp starts. It is three weeks this year! Can you beleive it? But no summer sectionals. Thinking of band, on August 11 there is going to be a televised band competition, like national championship or something, so I want to get a bunch of friends to come over and watch and have a cookout for fun and stuff. I definitely have not gotten to see enough people this summer.

I cannot beleive how fast summer has gone. Every time summer break begins, I tell myself that it is going to fly by, and that I need to enjoy every minute of it as best I can because it will be gone before I know it, but every year it still slips through my fingers a bit too fast.

I cannot beleive that I'm going to be a freakin' SENIOR this year!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone else who can remember how they felt when they became seniors needs to double that feeling to even come close to how I feel because I'm going to be a senior a whole year early. I can't beleive that I'm almost done with high school. I guess almost is not a very accurate word, but I just know the school year will fly by because of how busy I'll be. I've got school, and marching band the first quarter at least, I am hoping to get a job soon, and college applications. At this point I think I am going to apply to Gettysburg College, Old Dominion University, and Christopher Newport University. I may apply to Elon University, and Case Western Reserve University, even though I have not visited either of them. I'm going to apply early application to all, but none early decision. I do not think that I will have too much trouble getting accepted anywhere, so my biggest concern is the financial aid offers. I really, REALLY want to get a full ride scholarship somewhere; it would make things ever so much simpler. I'm really not old enough to even have my own bank account, so I do not know if a bank will even give me a loan. I don't know who would pay for it, because I seriously doubt that my parents will. I do not want my parents paying for me anyway. If they pay for me its just one more thing I'll feel I owe them, and I do not want them to have that hanging over my head.

Being a senior still blows me away. I'm at the head of the line now, top dog, so to speak. Freshmen in band will be looking to me for guidance, asking me for help and leadership I hope. I'm a full-fledged role model. I have a lot to live up to, and it all goes so quickly. Sometimes all I want to do is cry, because I already am missing all the friends I will be leaving behind in a year's time, but other times I am simply overjoyed at being almost gone, out of the house.

Guys are another matter altogether. As I mention each of a few that first come to my mind, I would like to keep them nameless, for fear that somebody I know who knows them read and laugh at me, or, even worse, share the news. So Guy #1 is a very nice Christian guy. He is a rising senior, just like me, a football player, in band, very cute, and ever so gentlemanly. I think every girl that knows him has a crush on him, and he is nice to practically everyone. And that is just where the trouble lies- if he likes everyone, how do I tell how he likes me? I know he likes me as a friend at least because he always looks genuinely glad to see me when he sees me, but I never know if he likes me more than that. I do not think that he currently has a girl friend, so if I ever gathered up enough courage I could ask him to homecoming and have a reasonable chance of him not already having a date. But of course, I never could really work up that much courage.

Guy #2 is just as much of a puzzle as Guy #1. I know #2 only through band. Through band I know him quite well, yes, but not through any other social event. He is nice, but a little odd. He has given Tyler and me occasional rides home from school. He works at DQ, and Tyler went by there after work one day. #2 gave him a discount on the ice cream, and then, as Tyler was heading off, he said, "Say hello to Fiona for me." I ask you, was this just pleasantries, or something more? I find it hard to tell. I did not really know #2 for making "pleasantries", but as I said before, I only know him through band. One time, before the previous anecdote occured, the whole family went into DQ, and Mom said that when #2 saw me he just lit up like a firefly and started smiling and everything. That makes me feel real special, and if #2 just talked to me, I would not mind at all getting to know him better. I like #2 because he makes me laugh and smile too.

Guy #3 is another story. I know #3 only though band also. He seems like a really sweet, innocent, quiet guy. My friend's dad died a few months back and I went to the funeral to be there for her. #3, a friend of my friend's brother, was also at the funeral. (A note on the side: the same friend's brother has said that only he and #3 are allowed to pick on my friend, his sister. Apparently #3 does a little bit, but I was wondering if this could mean that #3 likes my friend. He is frieds with her brother, so not wanting to betray his friend by dating his sister, he teases her instead). Back to the original story at the funeral. So #3 sees me sitting, I was not alone but with my mother, and he sits next to me, out of all the empty seats around. This may be because I was the only face he knew, but it may not. They asked everyone to hold hands as a prayer was said, so he, sitting next to me, held my hand. It was not a bad experience, my hand feeling warm and safe, but I don't know that it was really anything special.

Thats a problem with guys in general: one never knows if its really anything special. At least, I can't tell. I never get a chance to talk to guys. None of them ever call me or anything, but they may be just as shy as I am and not willing to make the first move. I'm a traditionalist in one sense that it should be the guy who makes the first move, but, times are changing, and that may be one sentiment that i must get rid of to fit in the world around me.

Back Home

2005-07-19T04:54:00.000-11:00

Well, I'm finally back from Michigan for good. We got home on Friday, a little earlier than I expected, because we decided not to go to Iowa. The university did not actually have the program I was looking for after all, so we decided that it would be a waste of time to tour the college anyway.

For my birthday, my dad got me a book called No Plot? No Problem! It's a book written by the founder of National Novel Writing month, NaNoWriMo for short. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. I'm not sure I'm quite up to that yet, but it did inspire me to write, to actually finish a novel. It doesn't have to be perfect, but the point of writing is not perfection, the point of writing is writing. I just want to be able to tell people that I've written a novel.

Also, I'm not too sure about majoring in creative writing any more. I think I'd much rather get into politics. I'm tired of just complaining about policies I don't like. I want to be able to do something about it. So I'll probably dual major in creative writing and political science, international relations, or peace and conflict studies. Maybe I'll be a foreign service officer or something. That would be cool, I guess. Maybe I'll become a political lawyer and run for office. Anyway, I'm tired of letting middle aged men run the politics around here. Its time for someone with fresh new ideas to step up and take charge, and that means me!

OMG- it's been too long!

2005-07-13T09:01:00.000-11:00

Wow!!!! I cannot beleive how long its been since I last blogged on this thing. It's been forever, and so much has happened! Summer is finally here, I've turned 16, I've beeb to the beach and to Michigan.

Lets, see, here now. I left off at the end of May. That leads up to the last couple weeks of school. They were pretty nice. Things started calming down as the school year started to wind down. Teachers started to realize how unrealistic they were about time and cancelled some impending projects. I passed SOL's so I only had to take a few exams: only band, German, and gym. Its wonderful because I never have to take gym or health again! Woohoo!

The first week of summer break was amazing. My family went to the beach, and I got to bring a friend along. I brought my friend Allison. We rented a house that ended up being right across the street from the water. We had a captains walk/ crow's nest attatched to the house, perfect for tanning on, watching the sun rise, seeing the stars and moon at night, and for looking out for hot beach guys to walk or drive by. (Nummy bits are hot guys, by the way, if I refer to them as such and you had no clue what I am talking about.) Unfortunately, there were no nummy bits next door, but there were plenty around.

The only bad parts of the week were my over protective mother and the fact that Tyler and Allison started becoming friends. Mom was just being herself, but that is still annoying. She's scared to death of losing another child, but what she doesn't see is that the more she tries to hold me and Tyler in, the more she pushes us away. Mom even started to really annoy Allison, who has never had to deal with a mother like Mom before. We told mom and Dad one evening that we were going for a walk on the beach, and they said okay. So Allison, Tyler, and I head out to the beach, happy as clams. Then mom changes her mind and starts following us along the beach. tyler gets pissed because she doesn't trust us to go for a walk by ourselves, so he heads back to the house. Then Mom catches up to us ranting and raving about how "that's exactly the reason I don't want you and him walking around Michigan by yourselves. I'm afraid he'll just up and leave. It's that kind of behavior that ticks me off..." yada ya. Allison and I, by this point, are getting really pissed because she storms up and ruins our good time. We both just wanted to start cussing her out, but we minded our matters enough to make it home. Neither of us wanted to piss mom off so much that she wouldn't let us do anything the rest of the week.

The other bad part of the week, as I said earlier, was that Allison and Tyler started becoming friends. It's not so much that I minded them getting along, its that they started treating me differently. They'd play a game of cards together without even telling me or asking me to join in, and then they like decided that I was too hyper for them to play cards with, or something. At least Tyler did, cuz I asked one time if I could play the winner and he was just like, "No." without even looking at me or batting an eye.

Its more about me than them getting along. People act like friendships never change things about other people. The two of them being friends would hurt ME. I don't think either of them realized it. Let me explain. Tyler treats me like dirt. Honestly, in his eyes, I'm not even on the same level as him. He complains when I treat him as if we are equal humans beings, okay. He orders me around, continues to do annoying habits,even when I nicely ask him to stop. Are you getting the pictures. He hits me if I don't do things his way. Okay here is a good example: today, in Michigan, we were meeting my mom in a restaurant, but she wasn't there yet, so we sat down to wait. The host guy asks us if we were getting take out, so I said, "No, we are just waiting for our mother." Then Tyler turns to me and says, "Why didn't you just say that we are waiting for someone. Now you just sound like a stupid girl waiting for her mommy." All because I used one word different than what he would have. That's what he treats me like all the time, like some little know-nothing kid in desperate need of his guidance, but no where near worthy enough to be treated with even half an ounce of respect.

Now Allison, she knows how he treats me. I've complained about him enough in her presence for her to figure it out. I don't want my friends exposed to him. They are my friends, I care about them, they don't need to deal with Tyler. He is an asshole in every degree of the word, okay. For Allison to be friends with someone who treats me as rottenly as he does is like her, my best friend, saying that its okay. Her friendship with him cuts me to the core. Yes, Tyler can be nice, friendly, even helpful at times, but usually he isn't. Usually, if you ask him to do some tiny little thing just to help you out a smidge, like holding open a door, or helping you carry something, he doesn't. If Allison goes out with Tyler it'd be like her saying, "I approve of you. Fiona tells me how rotten you are, but thats okay. You can be rotten to her. It's okay with me." She won't say it out loud, but that is the message that I see, whether she meant to send that message or not, it'd be out there.

I talked to Tyler about this two weeks ago. After the week at the beach, we spent a week in Michigan. Tyler and I got to talking one night, about lots of stuff. I asked if he wanted to see a movie, and he said that he had been hoping to go see it with someone back home. I knew it was Allison, and he eventually admitted it, and I set my foot down then and there. I was in tears when I explained to him how much it would hurt me if he dated Allison. I think my explaination shed new light on certain things for him. And then I threatened him, because I think he was going to blow my telling him what I thought as just an emptional girly thing. I threatened to get between the two of them, to make his life a living hell. He finally said that he wouldn't date her, and we moved on.

But that discussions helped me understand a lot of what he had been thinking. He tried to make the arguement that I did not want them dating because I did not approve of the other person. He did not understand why, if they were my friends, I did not approve of them to date him. What he did not understand was that it was not my friends that I did not approve of, it was him. It's Tyler that I don't approve of, especially when it comes to dating. He's even hinted to me that he's done some things that I would not approve of. I do NOT want my friends exposed to his assholeyness. He is a jerk and I do not want them exposed to that, for their own sakes.

Jazz Band

2005-05-27T11:53:00.000-11:00

Does anybody out there realize how hard it is to start a band? I've wanted to get one going for a while, but I haven't quite gotten it off the ground yet. I don't want to start your typical high shcool punk band either. I want to start a jazz band. Its hard enough trying to find talented musicians, let alone ones that enjoy jazz. Plus I have to deal with my brother and his condescendingness. He said, "is this going to be a jazz band or a symphonic band that plays jazz? for a jazz band, you need no oboes or guitars. saxes, trumpets, trombones, drums, piano, bass." That irks me. Jazz can be what you make it, as long as it has soul. So far I have 2 trombones, an oboe, a trumpet, a guitarist, and maybe a pianist; respectively: Slash and Kyle, me, Betsy, Carly, and maybe Megan. I'm going to see Slash in a few minutes, so I can talk to her about Megan. And our summer plans. I think that if I work hard at this I can really make it fly. I still need a drummer, more trumpets, and I suppose we could use a saxophone or two. my brother is a saxophone, by the way, and they are all predisposed to hate oboes. I don't understand why, but it has to do with dating and ex's. I think they all need to grow up and move on with life but no one listens to me.

Prom

2005-05-24T10:35:00.000-11:00

Okay, so I guess I ought to start where I left off, with drum major tryouts. I did not make drum major, and neither did Tyler. Aaron, Lauren, and Chris made it. I do not know why Chris made it, except for drummers and the fact that he is the band teacher's son. Lauren is who I wanted to make it if I did not. Aaron I just don't know about. if he is head drum major, we lose our best trumpet, and we need all the good trumpets we can muster.

Prom was so much fun, even though I did not have a date. Yeah, I asked two guys to go with me. One already had a date, and the other had to go to his sister's graduation. I would have asked a third guy, but he told me that he also had to work. I don't mind him working because he is a volunteer EMT, and I would much rather him save someone's life than let someone die because he is at prom. He really enjoys being an EMT, much more than he would have enjoyed prom, I'm sure.

Prom decorations were amazing! This year's theme was 'A Night of Southern Romance.' They constructed the front of a plantation house, a dancing floor with lattice columns and a center piece, and they set up park benches with real mulch around them. I did a complete double take when it occured to me that it was the gym. You see, they had also set up black curtains everywhere to block out the school walls and the bleachers. It was just so pretty.

Here are some pictures. Sorry they are fuzzy. My mom took them, so that explains it. I hope they show up okay. I'll only put up a few, the best.

I danced with a couple guys, but only because they asked. One was like, "So how did you not get a date?" I thought that was kinda nice. One girl could not beleive that I did my own hair. I realized that on enice thing about not trying to look good everyday of the week is that when you do finally dress up and look good, people really notice. Of course, some people want to be noticed every day of the week, but after a while of that it is no longer special.

First Week of May

2005-05-07T10:22:00.001-11:00

Things are pretty good here. Drum Major finals were Thursday, we watched the video in class yesterday, and we'll learn the results on Monday. The suspense is killing me. I'll support whomever makes it, but I really want to know if I made it. I don't think I did, but I just want to know. Another factor that is stressing me out is the fact that my brother tried out. If I make it and he doesn't, then he'll be jealous of and mean to me, whether he admits it or not. And in all honesty, I'd be upset if he made it and I did not. It would be so simple if neither of us made it! I guess I'd be upset if I did not make it, just because I wanted to so badly, but Mr. Auman knows best, and if I don't I will have a much longer summer break anyway. Haha.

I still cannot get over how quicklythis year has flown by. SOLs are coming up. (Standards of Learning, for those who don't know. Basically Virginia's end of course tests.) Then we have like 3 more weeks, and then exams and we're done. I have this elated feeling of I've made it this far, I can finish the year! I'm just so excited. I cannot wait until summer!

Drum Major Tryouts

2005-04-28T14:14:00.001-11:00

So every time I've gone to update this thing, the internet crashes, or blogger is not working, or something, so its been a while.

I CANNOT beleive its the 4th nine weeks already. Pretty soon, I'll be a senior, and then I'll be off to college, and then I'll get a job somewhere, and then I'll grow old. Durn. Oh well, I guess I can never be young if I never grow old. I guess I'll get used to being old, just like I've gotten used to being a teenager. As a matter of fact, I can't wait until summer. A) no school, and b) it promises to be exciting! The first week of break, we're going to the Outer banks in North carolina, and then we're going to spend a week in Ann Arbor, Michigan. And then I have the rest of the summer to plan: band car washes, outings with friends, hopefully getting a job. I am going to make this the best summer of my life!

All this week has been drum major tryouts after school. For those poor, deprived, people who don't know, drum major is the leader of marching band. For those poor, deprived people who do not know what marching band is, there is no hope. This is my first, and only, year trying out. I didn't try out as a freshman, I skipped sophomore year, and next year I'll be a senior. I've got one shot- make or break. I would really love to be drum major, but I don't know ho wmuch of a shot I really have. Usually, everyone gets their hopes up, thinking they will be the next drum major, but then other people make it instead. everyone likes to look at the inequities of others and criticize them to make themselves feel good. I remember last year talkign to my friends, debating about who drum major would be, and I wonder if people are debating about ME in much the same manner. I want to know what they think of me, and how they think I will do, etc, etc, etc.

Usually there are 1 or 2 sure bets about who will make drum major. This year one of them is Aaron Hoyle is one of them, but who the other two drum majors will be, I just don't know. About 12 people are trying out this year, and i find it hard to narrow down in my head who will make it. Non- freshman trying out are Brian, Becca, Lauren, Greg, Chris, Tyler, and myself. Brian made some sour friendships over the years, and some people think he is a bit of a nerd, but he is a nice person on the whole. He was section leader this past marching season, so he has a step up, leadership wise. Becca is about the same way. I love her to death because she's in my section and she's funny, but some people find her overpowering. Becca was not a section leader last year. Lauren was a sectionleader last year, over the piccolos, but she and the other section leader had troubling keeping their section under control. She is funny and nice to I think everyone, but I don't know what people think of her leadership- wise. I bet she gets votes, though, simply because she is friends with so many people. Greg, the only sophomore trying out, is funny, but he can get a little obnoxious at times. If you kid aound with him , he may or may not take it seriously, so you never know quite where you stand with him. He has not held a leadership position either. Chirs, another junior, is the band directors son. I feel bad for him because if he makes drum major, people will say that it was because his dad was the director, and if he doesn't make it, they'll say its because Mr. Auman wouldn't let him. He is in a pickle either way. No previous leadership positions. Tyler is trying out too, as in my brother Tyler. I don't really know what to think of him. He doesn't really talk much, but he was section leader last season. I think his section really looks up to him, at least the freshman. But he doesn't really sya much to other band members, at least not that I know of.

And then you have me trying out. I don't really know what to think of me. I don't think my section leaders really like me too much, so them and their friends probably wont vote for me. But I have a lot of friends, freshman and sophomore, some junior, a couple senior, but they are more like i know them sorta, but not good friends. I don't really know what people think of me. Am i just a nobody name or do I draw attention to myself? Do people in general like me? I guess I'll just wait and see. I don't want to get my hopes up to watch them come falling down, but I need self confidence. i guess I have confidence in my ability to do my personal best, and I should not care how that compares to the personal bests of other people.

Back to School

2005-04-04T18:11:00.000-11:00

its amazing how one day of school can erase an entire week of break. Its like we were never even out of school. So easily we fall back into the hum drumness of everyday life. It was erally nice to see friends again though, I must say that. I must also say that teachers like to pile on projects, especially right near the end of the nine weeks.

Like my science teacher. Every nine weeks we have to do a journal review. She decided to make this nine week's one due wednesday. I went to library today to read an article, but half the pages are missing on half the articles. So I spent half my time reading into articles to find out they have no conclusion. I finally found one that had an end, and I copied it, but i copied the wrong page once and then ran out of money for the final page, and had to beg money off a friend. And then I didn't get my review done when i had to give the article to this other girl in the class. I thought I had the article at home, but I have no idea where my Dad put it.

But i think I ought to stop complaining. I have other work to do.

Don't you just hate computers when they don't work? My printer is broken, so I can't wok on my history notebook. I dpent a ton of time coping files from my iBook to the real computer, and it was all for nothing: i have to print stuff out at the library anyway. That just drives my up the wall and through the roof.

Spring Trip and Break

2005-04-02T20:04:00.000-11:00

I meant to update the other day, but I got distracted and ended up not blogging. So much has happened since my last blog. I barely know where to begin. Its been so long I don't really remember where I left off.

I left off explaining about English horn. About 3/4 weeks after ordering the reed, a store finally got one in. It would have been great if I had longer to practice, but I didn't. I sounded awful in class. I felt sorry for the people around me. It was awful, and only a few days before spring trip. I tried my darndest to get the horn to play in tune, but now I can understand what Becca's tuning troubles are like. Mr. auman finally said don't play, and I'll admit I was crushed. And then to top it all off, my oboe broke! So there I was in class, a failure at playing the english horn, and then a failure at oboe to. I was so releive when I figured out that it was the oboe and not me that was causing problems. My brother was getting cranky with me for practicing, too, but I think it was more that I was stealing his solo than anything else. It's funny because all the saxophones were saying I sounded like a canadian goose, when I thought I sounded like a saxophone. But okay. I talked to Mr. A during 7th period and he said that the English horn was just not a very good instrument, even Betsy had trouble with it, but that I should not feel bad about not being able to play it. That made me feel a little better.

So I was back to playing oboe again. Which means I took back the oboe solo, so Becca was a little disappointed. Thinking of oboes, I need to practice this weekend. We got new music last week, very fun stuff. I've played a version of it before, so I know it a little already, but I want to go back from spring break and blow them away with my ability to play the song. Plus, I can't let Becca be better than me, because she would never let me live it down if she beat me for chairs or something.

Spring trip was really fun, except for the fact that teachers piled on all the makeup work the day we left, and then wanted it done when we got back. I'm sorry, but there is just no way that was going to happen. They had months in advance to plan out work for while we were gone, but they didn't take advantage of it. We got back very early Tuesday morning, about 2/3 o' clock, and I went to school at 8:30. School was heck, and then I got home, curled up in bed, and slept for FOUR hours straight. No after school snack or anything! Then I woke up and typed my history paper due on Wednesday. I slept in wednesday morning, missing yet another day of math. I took a math TEST the next day, which I got a 70 on. I found out on Friday my grade and I was very upset. I do well in math. I don't get awful grades like that. All I can do now is try for 5 extra credit points that I might not even get! the nine weeks ends in like 2 weeks, so I have to hope the next test comes within them, otherwise I might get a C in the class. I have NEVER gotten a C in a class. I'm a straight A student. If I get bad grades, it will be like admitting to my grandmother that i'm not good enough to skip a grade. She doesn't approve of my skipping a grade by the way. She doesn't think that I'm mature enough, and that I'll have a rough time in college trying to adjust. She graduated early, and she doesn't want me to have to go through what she did. I'm tired of people trying to protect me! She doesn't realized that things have changed since when she was my age. But, back to spring trip...

It really was great. Except for school, it was relaxing. The room was cramped, and my roomates were grating on my nerves abit, a lot actually, but they're my friends, so its okay. They were just so messy! I guess I can't say much, seemings how my room is a mess, but gee wiz! The just left their underwear on the floor. that annoyed me a lot, along with the rest of their dirty clothes. they left their makeup everywhere too. And that's another thing I don't understand: they all have boyfriends, right, but they still put on tons of makeup like they're trying to catch a good looking guy. I can understand wanting to look nice, but this was different. One wanted to have a flirty ponytail, even though she's taken. I think i'd have to go out with someone in band, that way on marching season weekends we'd be together, and we'd see each other on spring trip.

Speaking of boyfriends and girlfriends, tyler made a friend on spring trip. She was in my history class last year, and we were friends. Not like really good friends like me and Char, but friends in a classroomy way, like doing group projects with each other. Anyway, so they are like dating now I guess. they're not "going out" officially yet, but at least now he has friends of his own and doesn't have to date mine. Jessicahas drawn him in to the "guard clan" if you will. They've gone out with other couples to go bowling or to the movies and stuff, so he has actually gotten to know other people. it's really nice that he is having social interactions. Jessica actually got him smiling, and not only that, but he was dancing at the same time! It was at the midnight buffet on the ship, and my friends and I were looking around, seeing what was going on, and I saw him. I thought to myself, That's not Tyler, he doesn't dance, but he turned and I saw that it was indeed tyler dancing and enjoying himself. the two of them are so cute!

I spent a lot of time with Alison, Emily, Meghan, and Charlotte. Char got seasick. Really bad: she had to go to the infirmery and get an IV. Glad I wasn't rooming with her, throwing up and all that. She was getting annoying too, but she was sick, so lets just leave it at that.

I really enjoyed myself, especially shopping and at the beach. I got a nice tan line. Now I just need to spend more time in the sun this summer to keep it a nice tan. Compared to some i'm still not all that tan, but compared to what I was, I am nicely darkening.

I really must be getting along now. It's rather late, and the time change is tonight. Whoopy, I get to lose an hour of sleep. Aren't I excited. Well, goodnight moon!

Navy Band and English Horn

2005-03-03T13:01:00.000-11:00

Yesterday the Navy Band had a concert at a high school in the area. They were superb! They played some jazz music, so I was happier than a clam. They also played some music from the sixties; it was a few select members, and some of the Sea Chanters. They first few notes thay played made me think that they were going to play some music from the Blues Brothers, but they didn't. It made me smile anyway. One of the band members played Engligh horn, and I got to talk to him after the show. I was snappingly happy. I even got to shake his hand.

You see, my band director got mad at me one day in class because he couldn't hear my part. Then he realized that I was playing the oboe part, and the part he was listening for was the English horn part. I asked him after class if he wanted me to play the other part, and how to transpose the music to play on oboe. It was then that he told me that the school actually owned a horn, but I would have to get a reed. I agreed to look for one because I thought it would be interesting and fun to play English horn; silly me.

I called about fifteen music stores looking for an English horn reed. these reeds are not in high demand, at all, so no stores had any in stock. Only one store actually knew what I was talking about. It would have been funny if it had not been so frustrating. One store clerk sounded extremely high. I misspoke and said oboe reed by mistake, but I quickly covered myself and said that I had meant to say English horn reed. The guy got stuck on obe, though, so he put me on hold to go look for them before I got a chance to explain further what I had meant. He got back to the phone saying that they did have oboe reeds, in soft, medium, and hard. I was like, "Okay, and what about English horn reeds?" He still did not really get it, and I could tell that he was fighting through being high or just plain dumb. He left the phone again to go look, and when he got back, he had to say that no, they did not have any. All that patience and waiting for nothing!

So I decided to order a reed from the one store that actually knew what I was talking about. They said that they did not have any in their warehouse, and they needed to order it from the company. They said it might take 1-2 weeks. Its been about 3, maybe 4 weeks now, and still no reed. My mother called them back today. Boy, her heart was in the right place, but she really does not know all that much about reeds. I might have to try to start playing on a medium, and that will probably be hard. Spring trip is in about 2 weeks, so I really need to start playing now so i can get used to the horn and to see if it is broken. Right now, the saxophone is playing the cues, but I would really like to start playing. It would not be too much of a loss, I guess, but it would be impressive to have an English horn playing with the band on spring trip. We get judged, you know. Last year Besty, the on ein Germany not the one who I was teaching oboe, got a special award for an outstanding solo. Becca and I were so proud of her. It would be lovely if I could follow in her footsteps and get special recognition, too.

So last night, speaking to a real live English horn player was fantastic. I asked him what type of reeds he used and got to talk for a bit. He and the other oboe player were excellent musicians. It was a priviledge to hear them play, and it was a priviledge to speak to him.

More on Moving and Another Poem

2005-03-01T15:05:00.000-11:00

I talked to my Mom about moving to Michigan. I told her that if moving to michigan meant Dad wouldn't have to travel as much, I would be willing to move. I said that I would surely miss my friends, but that family is important, too. I think she talked to my dad, and to tyler about what I said. Tyler got sick at work last night and he did not go to school today. I don't think tyler would be willing to move. I'm not sure what is tieing him here, but there must be something. Things are still a bit of a blur. I cannot decide where I stand on the whole moving issue right now. The more I think about it, the more complicated it gets, so I'm going to give it a rest for a little bit. I have a tendancy to over react and blow things out of proportion.

My Mom is really into genealogy. She was talking to some distant cousin, who found very old papers and things in a pile of stuff from his mother. In the pile was a poem from a letter written in 1870! 1870! Can you believe that? And still in tact. So, the fellow scanned it and sent the picture to my mom. In English class we are studing poetry from about that time period, so I transcribed it and gaveit to my English teacher this morning. anyway, here is what the letter said; I found it very inspiring.

Lines suggested on hearing of the death of my sister by telegraph and whose remains I expect are buried today in Constantine Michigan. She died in Washington D.C. on the 28th day of June 1870.

Sister, thou hast gone before me
To that future unknown land,
The pearly gates hath opened for thee.
Thou hast joined the heavenly band.
Yes, I see thy footsteps plainly
In that straight and narrow way,
There are others close beside them
Whose are those dear sister, pray?

Are they angels that have guided,
Thee down to the river’s shore
And assisted thee in crossing
Safely the dread river over?
Yes, I know why sit I musing
Here so thoughtfully today,
Sure no other than bright angels
Would so keep the in their way.

When the telegraph wire
Brought the unwelcome news to me
I mourned as once I thought could not
Dear departed on for thee.
But why should I mourn dear sister
Dearer to me than all beside
Save the partner of my bosom
And our children in their pride?

‘Tis well, I know that thou art over
Safely to the other side,
Where thy husband went before thee
There to be again a bride.
Then farewell, but not forever,
Soon oh soon we’ll meet again
On the bright side of the river
Free from sorrow, care, and pain.

Ogdensburg July 2nd 1870
Miles (Bryan) (great-great-great-great grandfather of me)

You may send this or a copy to Mary. (another sister)
(Written about Lois Bryan Adams)

L. B. Adams was a writer and journalist. I am very interested in reading her works. Some lovely librarian published her newspaper correspondence from Washington DC to Michigan (amazing how that state keeps popping up, eh?) during the Civil War. This personal level makes history and genealogy take on a whole new level. Mom said that her cousin found some more poems, so the past few days I have been asking her practically nonstop if she has received them yet. The writings really ought to be in a museum, where they can be shared and preserved. Things that old are delicate and deserve the proper care. I have the highest respect for old things: If they have lasted this long in this world, they surely must be something special.

These newly discovered writings I find most inspirational. Writing preserves. I think part of what being alive is to make an impression on the world, to live past the boundaries of time and space. I know that sounds a little "trekkie" but, oh well. In my eyes, as long as a little bit of Louis and Miles' words live on, so does a little bit of them live on. The key to the future is safe in the hands of the past. Only in looking at the past and being humble enough to recognize the similarities, may we be able as the human race to move on. Now is the time for reform. Children should NOT be starving in one country while children in another are grossly obese. I feel so helpless because nothing I can do right now will really change that. One reason I want to finish my schooling is so that I have time to really learn. Unlike Mark Twain, I have let my schooling interfere with my education.

on the topic of school, I must close. We had a snow day yesterday, for a whole inch of snow, so all the teachers felt mandated to cram in today all that we missed yesterday. Joy. Yesterday, Tyler, alison, Meredith, and I had a raucous snow ball fight. The snow was perfet- magic snow. Almost all the snow melted by this afternoon, so when I got off the bus, all that was left was white balls all over the front yard. It took me a moment to figure out what it was, but it was just the remains of the snowballs- a snowball graveyard.

One Bad Poem

2005-02-27T18:35:00.000-11:00

At first I was kind of nervous about putting one of my poems on here. I thought "Its not really good." Buthten I thought, "Nobody reads this anyway, so what does is matter." Then i was thinking about why i even post on here if no one reads it, and i guess i post it more for myself than anyone else. I am a hopeless romantic, in the literature sense of the word, and maybe i still hope that my posting will be recongnized on happenstance and I will become famous. I guess I'd like to have some external recognition for being who i am, whoever that is. So, after procrastinating by randomly browsing through other peoples' blogs, I have decided to post my poetry. it's a sonnet, written in the Eglish or Shakespearian form.

Treasure Troves
What is this feeling deep inside of me?
It twists and turns and stretches out its claws.
Its faithless cries do beg me not to flee!
And as it screams in agony, I pause.

I turn to see it's not with Death I flirt.
'Tis but the painful Love that I do fight.
She's clad in blue and sparks around her skirt,
And faces me with eyes that have gone white.

She knows the friends that I want to stay by.
She knows that leaving them behind is sad.
And if I have to say good-bye, I'll cry,
But ne'er forget what all we shared and had.

For if I fly away on wing with doves,
My memories will harden: treasure troves.

This poem was inspired by the thought of moving. Last night I could not fall asleep because I was thinking about the possibility of moving. I got the funniest feeling inside my stomach, and I tried to identify it. It was tore me almost wide open, so I thought it might be hate. It made me feel sick, so I thought maybe regret or guilt. I thought through all the negative emotions I could think of before I realized that it was one of the most positive emotions ever thought of: Love. The fact that I love my friends here and I do not want to lose them, even for the summer, caused the pain that i felt in the pit of my stomach. This was an epiphany for me. I had always thought of love as a very happy feeling, only causing joy, but now I can see how it tears people apart. I guess powerful emotions are not always what we expect.

I was thinking some more about the move in general. Its not actually moving that i mind, its the bouncing back and forth. If i could pick a spot for the summer and stay there i would be as happy as a clam, but I can't do that. If I go up to michigan, I'd have tofigure out when to come back down for sectionals, coordinated with when my father was not working, coordinated with my mother's whims, and so on and suchforth. that just seems a little too complicated for my taste, and something I do NOT look forward to. The only reason we arent moving to Michigan is because this year is me and tyler's last year in high school and it would be a real hassle to move in the middle fo it because the curriculums probably would not match up. I guess I'll just have to see how things go. I could muddle through either situation one way or another, I guess. My friends here are so dear to me, though, it is hard for me to think of laving them behind. Thank goodness for email, though.

Part of me wants to tell my parents: the choice is up to you. If you think moving to Michigan permanently would peice us up together as a family, then we should go for it. Dad, if you would be happy in michigan again, then for God's sake lets move.

I just realized how hard it has been since dad started traveling. Other things have changed since 6th/7th grade, but his not being here half the time has really started to take its toll on us. I never really realize how much I miss him. Time flies by so fast sometimes its hard to tell when he is going and when he is leaving, but no matter how fast the time flies, he is still not there. Its hard on my mom without him, and its hard on me a nd tyler having to just deal with my mom. Sure, sometimes I'll get frustrated with him, but i get frustrated with myself. I love him dearly, and I miss him when he is gone.

So continueing what I'd say to my parents: But, decide wisely, because your choices now shape my future. As my parents, I trust you to make the best decision, based upon what you think and what you know about how I feel about the situation. If moving to Michigan will stop Dad from needing to travel, and therefore keep him with the family, so we can be a family together for what little time we have left together under one roof, then so be it. Being a family again is what matters most to me. Whatever your decision, I will try to support it to the best of my ability, even if it means leaving all my friends.

Those statements show a great deal of trust and love, but I am not sure if I can back them up. Sometimes I misjudge myself and my strengths, but i think if I put my mind to it, i could deal with moving. I've done it before, I can do it again. the big question is: do i trust my parents that much?

Another thought I have is: if I am going to leave in a year anyway, why do I care where I am for it? I am leaving most of my friends ehind after senior year anyway. Why not cut the bond now and get it over with? I guess its just not that easy to break free. However painful love may be, it binds, for a very long time. (I have been using the term "love" very loosely, meaning frienship, mostly, but feelings of familiar kinship too.) Maybe I am scared of the loss of friends over time, so I have become willing to sacrifice another year of knowing them to end friendships right now instead of just letting them end on their own.

If anyone out there is actually reading this, please respond. I'm not sure whether or not I can really figure this out on my own. I think I'll talk to my parents after I take my shower.

long time

2005-02-21T10:46:00.000-11:00

I cannot beleive how long it has been since I last posted on here. It doesn't feel like it has been that long, but since no one reads this anyway, it really shouldn't matter. In a way it does, though, because I signed on to do this blog thing so that i would use it and enjoy it, but instead, it just gets wasted away.

Well, i guess one of the most important goings on these past few weeks has been Valentine's Day. it can be one of the most depressing days of the year for single people. Nobody does valentines anymore, so I get no chocolate, or cards, or anything. At school they had a thing where you could buy somebody flowers, but I did not get any. Not even one from my brother, but he had to borrow money from me, so I guess he was too broke to buy anything. Its a good thing that he no longer has a girlfriend because she would have been very upset come V-day.

Thats another thing. Tyler and Charlotte broke up during exam week. He did not even tell me! Charlotte told her mom, who told my mom, who told me. I asked him about it, but his excuse was that I did not ask. What does he want me to do, ask hime everyday if he is still going out with soemone? He and Charlotte are still good friends, though, thank goodness. Charlotte is one of my best friends. At first it felt like I had been stabbed in the back when she told me she liked tyler, but then i realized that I was nobody to stand in their way. it is just that I sometimes feel like I dont know if she was friends with me so that she could get to know tyler.

We went ice skating on saturday because my aunt was visiting: me, my mom, my dad, my aunt, Tyler, Charlotte, and my friend two houses down alison. it was really fun once Alison got there. Charlotte had never really gone ice skating, so she kept woosing out and sitting on the sidelines. She and Tyler are good friends now too, so they cuold just ditch me and play arcade games. Alison stuck with me though. There was this really cute guy who could do tricks and stuff, but i never got the nerve up to go compliment him. there were a ton of annoying middle schoolers there who would just stop in the skating area and talk. Alison and I had fun trying to see how close we could skate without "actually" touching them. We won every time we got them to scream. the trick guy was giving them a hard time too. It was lots of fun, but my ankles are a bit sore now.

Yesterday my mom and dad had a family discussion. That was weird for one because we never have converstions as a family, and two because it was about this summer. My dad works in Michigan a lot, so he'll be gone for a week or two at a time some months. He said that this summer they want him out there a lot more, and they were willing to pay for an apartment over the summer. That screws up a lot of plans. I was going to take summer school- driver's ed, but that would be just me and my mom down here for 3 weeks and then going up. I'd be so late gettign up there to look for getting a job over the summer, which is what I really need. If I make drum major like I want to, I have to go to Drum Major Camp for a week or two, too. I also will have sectionals for band to attend periodically whether or not I make drum major.

Its not the actual moving that I mind. I dont mind having to meet new people. Moving can be a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and expand ones horizons. I DO think that it is very selfish of my dad to think that he can jst expect everyone to uproot and leave plans behind. I turn sixteen this summer, which means i can get a job without a work permit, but its kind of hard to get a job when you never know when you'll be in town. I guess I could take Driver's ed during the school year, but I would have like not to take 8 classes. (Normally soemone who takes early bird doesn't have to take a 7th period, but I would have to if I did driver's ed.) tyler's taking 8 classes, though, because he is taking jazz band. Even if I didn't have a 7th period, I still wouldn't have a ride home early. 45 minutes can be a long walk if you have to carry 10 pounds of backpack and an oboe home. At least its good exercise.

Moving to Michigan, even temporarily, complicates things so much! when will I get a chance to look at colleges? I can't afford to be flown, or even driven really, all over the country. A couple colleges are on the eastern seaboard, but a few are in the midwest, like Iowa. I'd like to apply early action if I can, but being in Michigan seems liek a whole nother world away. I'm sure things will work out, but I have to stress over it until they do. Driving back and forth between Richmond and detroit is not my idea of a fun summer break. Being isolated from my friends is no good thing either. I have the option of staying at my Aunt and Uncle's house, but they have 3 kids the ages of 11, 9, and 7, so thats no fun either, and I still wouldn't get to look at colleges or see friends much. Moving is no fun, but at least we wouldnt have to sell the house.

It seems to me thats head of families seem to think that they can just up and move whenever they want. They tend to work more, and socialize less, so moving is no big deal because they are not leaving a ton of friends behind. Moving is a big deal for me. I have tons of friends and plans and obligations, some that I don't even realize are there until I leave them. Gosh, I thought moving at age 9/10 was hard; that is nothing compared to now. Sure, at a younger age I had friends, but they were not as close as they are now, and i had not known for as long. I guess now I have e-mail to talk to them, but its not the same. It is sssoooooo hard to make friends during the summer because there is no way to meet them. Apartments are easier because you are so close together, but people always have their own groups of friends. I know I shouldn't be wrrying this much , at this point in time, but I really can't help it. It makes me feel unloved. People always say they'll keep in touch, but it never happens.

I guess you can hear a tone of bitterness from my dealing with the last move. It seems like everytime I finally start to get comfortable, Dad takes it upon himself to uproot us all. Translpanting is not lethal, but it can be VERY painful, and soem scars never fully heal.

Funeral

2005-01-29T20:00:00.000-11:00

Well, snow certainly makes everthing crazy. We got out of school on Monday and Tuesday. Some of the secondary roads were not defrosted yet, apparently. People down here freak out whenever it snows, even just an inch. Wednesday and Thursday were both exam review days, and we had our first two exams yesterday. Math was long, and English was hard, but I have really good grades in both of those classes. It's the german exam that I'm going to have to study like crazy for. we learned lots of grammar this year, and it is hard to keep it all staight. I really love german, though, so I don't mind. It is supposed to snow and sleet and rain and be nasty this weekend, too, so exams might be pushed back even further. One never can tell though, because the weather men keep changing their minds. It will be snowing out, and they will say "Chance of showers 50%." i'm just like "Hello... Look out the window stupid." Oh well. I'm going to study anyway. They might not actually cancel exams altogether if we have already taken two.

A really sad thing happened over the snow break, though. One of my best friends' dad died. He had been sick for a while, and Betsy had not seen him in a while. (I think he and her mom were divorced, or at least separated.) I remember him a little, but I went to the funeral/ memorial service to be there for Betsy. She read the prayers, and she stated to cry, so I started to cry. Then we were supposed to greet people, you know, Share the Peace, and I had puffy red eyes and a wet face. I knew most of the people there anyway. We had two hard hugs, and then the rest of her friends that came and I set to trying to cheer her up. None of us had seen her in a while, so we had a lot of social catching up to do. Her brother, Adam, had a few of his friends there, too.

One of his friends, who shall remain nameless just in case someone I know actually reads this, sat next to me. I don't know if it was he wanted to sit near me, a person he knew, or if it was to sit by the guy two seats away from me. Either way, it was nice. He actually sang during the songs, in a deep, low, touching voice. He is Catholic, so he didn't go to communion, though. I guess he didn't feel comfortable doing it or something. I'm Lutheran; the service was Episcopalian. For the Lord's Prayer, we were asked to hold hands with the people next to us. I put down my leaflet, and worship book, and took my mom's hand on my left, and reached for his on my right. I think he was a little taken aback by the "hold hands and pray thing," but he took mine anyway. I don't remember all the details, but just chanting the words, and that his hand was very warm, and mine was very cold, and he held it very carefully, but squeezed it very tight. It was lovely. I hate to sound as if it were okay to enjoy a funeral service, and it was a somber time; it was special, and I don't think I shall forget it for a long time.

As you maybe can tell, I am a hopeless romantic, or maybe I should say hopeful. I am a dreamer- I try to write all my dreams into stories and tales. Most of my ideas end in joy when the two find bliss, but sometimes, my tragic-poet side comes out and smebody dies. I don't think it proper to talk about death lightly. It is not something i fear too much, I guess. I don't let thoughts about it run my life. Sometimes, I used to worry about what I would miss out on, but then I came to see death as a way of becoming part of the whole, enjoying in all experience at once. I just worry about how I will leave the world when I am gone. Hopefully in a better state than I found it, but I don't know for sure.

Another thing I am not sure about is another friend of mine. She is very into fantasy, and dragons, and wizards, and swords, and stuff. She sincerely wants it to be real. For her birthday, she wants a dragon egg. I think she has seen too many video games. I enjoy reading fantasy and stuff, but I read for the stories, not for the things in them. For me, if dragons were real, the magic and wonder of the story would be lost. I'm sure every one has wished to be able to fly and such, but she acts like it would be just for her. I don't think she draws a line between the real and the dreams. Soemtimes, I just don't understand or agree with her, but she is still my friend. Maybe she feels insecure and wants to have some special power, something extra special. I don't think that she feels that because she is my friend, I will take her anyway she is, and she is trying to make sure she stays "in" the group. She is my friend, and because we are friends, there is no "group." We are not a group to be "in" or "out" of, just a group of people who accept each other and get along well.

Saturday

2005-01-22T07:42:00.000-11:00

This week of school has been great! No school on Monday, and Thursday and Friday were both cancelled. It snowed all of Thursay night, but not too much of it stuck. By noon most of the snow on the roads was melted. They cancelled school anyway, which is really nice because I spent the night at a friend's house and decided not to bring my school things. They might have gotten away with a three or two hour delay, but the decided to cancel. Too bad we've missed an exam review day. I don't think they will let us makeup exam review, which stinks because now we won't know what to study. I guess its worth it though. Breaks from school are always welcome. It is supposed to snow today and tonight also, but I am not very sure how much.

Did I tell you that we named the bunny Poppy? Well, we did because she will run around, then pop up into the air, then turn around and run in the other direction. She is so adorable.

Snow Day!

2005-01-19T14:36:00.000-11:00

It snowed today here. I have been waiting all week for it to snow and it finally did! I was on one side of the school when I looked outside the door and it was not snowing, but by the time I got to class on the other side of the school it was. It was so pretty to watch the millions of snowflakes fall to the ground- twirling and whirling in perfect beautiful harmony. It snowed much harder during lunch, where there are actually windows, so I got to see the snow full force. It only totalled about an inch or two inches, but we have no school tomorrow! People here do not know how to drive in the snow: over 300 accidents since noon. High school was dismissed 30 minutes early, but the bus was about 40 minutes late, so we got home at about the normal time. My mom was going to drive up to DC and then fly to New Hampshire, but I thhink she only made it to DC. That is all that I heard.

My friend just called to see if I wanted to do anything. Me and the girl two houses down were going to try to go sledding again. Please forgive the bad grammar. Anyway, my other friend is going to call me back. She did not want to feel like she was intruding on us. She is not- its a whole "Yay its snowing ya'll all come over here and have fun playing in it" thing.

Picture

2005-01-14T10:42:00.000-11:00

The Bunny:

A New Bunny

2005-01-14T10:18:00.000-11:00

My dad was in Michigan all the past week. He got back on Tuesday. I have been begging to get another rabbit for ages. While he was away Mom went to the bunny store and saw the cutest little rabbits you ever did see. Somebody no longer wanted the poor dears, and they just dropped them off at the pet store. I am convinced that Thumper needs a bunny friend. Mom and Dad thought that it would be risky because they might fight, but Mom fell in love with two of the rabbits at the store. Tyler and I met both and thought they were adorable, but we weren't sure which one to get. This time we waited until my dad got back so he could meet the bunnies. Unfortunately, the light brown bunny that we really adored was already sold. We got the just-as-cute-and-loveable gray, black, and white one instead. I'm so happy. Thing was, though, at the time, we weren't sure if the bunny was a guy or a girl, so we could not plan a name. The vet told us she was a girl yesterday, but we had come up with so many possibilities for either gender in the mean time that it has become very hard for us to decide on a name. The perfect one has not yet appeared, but I am leaning towards Sassy, short for Sasquwatch because she had enourmous feet, Lucy, Petunia, or Violet.

My Mom

2005-01-10T10:33:00.000-11:00

My mom is one of the type of people who is comfortabe talking to just about anyone. She can go up to a complete stranger and start talking. She claims not to talk to "strange" strangers, but I don't see how she can tell the difference.

One of my recent endeavors deals with making money for my band trip. My mom won't let me get a job because I can't drive. She won't let me get my permit until my brother gets his liscence, in February, bu thtat is a different road. I am amking and selling scarves. My parents are paying for the yarn. They figure that I am actually working for my money, so its okay. mom would be a great salesperson. She can talk to anyone and get them to buy a scarf. That is a really great quality. Unfortunately, she expects me to be the same way. It is very hard ofr me to just start talking to someone, and she wants me to be able to talk to anyone. I find it hard to talk to strangers because I know nothing about them. If we could find something in common, I could talk anybody's ears off. that first step is always the hardest, and some days I just can'tt do it. It really frustrates me to think that she expects me do be just like her. i realize that we may look alike, but there is more to a person than looks. We may even have many similar characteristics, but I wish she would realize that I am a seperate entity. She needs to let go and let me mature on my own for a little while.

i also had some thoughts about love. I think that people feel inatiquate. They are always looking for the person to fill up what is wrong and cover for them. People fall in love with their other half, and then, with true love, they are truly one.

1st Week of a New Year

2005-01-07T11:05:00.000-11:00

What I find hardest to beleive about this new year is how fast it is going. Just 7 days ago I was savoring the last tidbits of winter break, enjoying every moment until I had to go back to school. Now it feels as if break never existed. All the teachers picked up right where they left off: work, work, and more work. Not a day for chit chat and catching up with people whom I had not seen in two weeks. Now it seems silly to have had so long of a break because that makes it that much longer of a school year. But then again, I must not forget how relaxing and refreshing it was to have school. That is what grownups do sometimes, forget what things were like and deem them not necessary. If I am going to act as if having fun and being relaxed, well, sorta relaxed, means nothing at all, than I would really rather not grow up. I am sure that there are some advantages to being a "grown-up", like driving, and having a house of your own, but I don't think any of them are worth having at the expense of feeling.

The most important thing that has happened to me this week was, ironically, confirmation. This is my fourth year of confirmation. I switched churches after I had been through the confirmation class, but before I was confirmed at one church, to another church that was just beginning their confirmation program. I am very tired of not having Wednesday nights to myself, but this class made an impression on me. Probably not the impression that Pastor had intended, but a good one just the same. This week's lesson was about the third artivle of the Creed- the Word of God. Pastor pointed out that the Word is also mentioned as breath, communication, and wind. I have always loved the wind. I would sit outside all day just to listen to the wind singing in the trees. I have always dreamed of riding on the back of the wind, flying into eternity without a care in the world. The connection of the wind and words and communication stuck with me for the rest of class. It reminded me of why I want to be a writer. If, by writing, I can soar above the world, then by George, I'll be a writer and NOTHING can stop me.

I have always known that in heaven, I will be able to fly. (On, my own, no planes or anything, just wings). I will not be too dissapointed if I am wrong, however, because if I am, I know that God has something even more incredible planned.

Another thing that was mentioned in confirmation class was the tsunami. I think it is amazing how people begin to question Christians when a disaster srikes. They ask, "How can you have faith in a God that can let something this horrible happen?" How backwards they must think me to be! It is not the point of my faith to blame or not blame God for what happened. My faith is to know that whatever happens happens for a reason. For whatever God does, there is a reason, and it is too complicated for humans in our not-as-enlightened- as-we-would-like-to-think minds to even begin to comprehend. I think that that is what I would like to share the most with people. I would like to help the people affected by the tsunami, but right now I do not know how. I hope that whatever I do, even if it is only donating a few dollars, will help the people. We view the tsunami as a catastrophe, but the only way I can think to make it through something like this is to reverse my point of view. People see our loss, our loss of loved ones, and homes, but God must view it as a gain of people closer to him.

This may only make a little sense to anybody, but this is the way I think and the way I get through life. I beleive that for whatever small reason, everybody and everything matters, if only to affect the lives of others to do something greater than one could do alone. If I didn't beleive that I had some purpose in life, somewhere along the line, I think I would just die. It makes my mind reel to think of how mush everones lives are intertwined, and I wish I had a better way of expressing how I feel. That will be one of my resoltuions, to work out exactly how I feel, and try to put it in terms that everyone can understand or relate too. Some people might not give a hill of beans to hear what I think, but for every peron that doesn't care, I know there must be one that does, even if he or she doesn't know it yet.

I heard a song that gave me goosebumps this week. Dance Band on the Titanic. If you have enver heard this somg before, I recommend that you listen to it. Really listen to the worsd and what it is trying to say. Another song that gives me goose bumps is Travelin' Soldier by the Dixie Chicks. it is a love story, sweet and sad. I almost cried the first time I heard it.

A New Year

2005-01-02T15:36:00.000-11:00

Well, a new year has just begun. I am excited; I can't wait to see what is in store! That is what I love about being so young: I have so much life ahead of me, so much possibility. Thinking about what may or may not happen to me in the future makes my head spin. My life could go so many ways thinking about all the possibilities is impossible. I'm glad there is a God out there who knows which way I am going to take and how it will all work out. I am also glad that I do not know how it will all work out. First off, I might not like the ending, and second, it would ruin all the mystery of life. Maybe God knows how it will all end, but the exact specific details of every event. Then again, maybe his level of comprehension is so much more advanced than ours that we are just one flec of dirt that made him sneeze one day. Not that I can really see God sneezing. If god does sneeze, I think he would definitely be the type to use a handkercheif. More to the point, maybe his way of viewing all the events and all the details is so different than what everyone expects that it is completely above our comprehension. (Our meaning people in general.)

School starts up again tomorrow, which involves getting up at o' dark thirty again (ie 6:30). It willbe weird after so many days of waking up at ten or eleven, and especially so soon after New Year's Eve. I am going to take a shower and hit the shack. My paper can be finished tomorrow. I will, however, back it up before I go to bed. My internet is being screwy so I might have to turn my comuter in. That would involve complete deletion of all my files. Blech. So I'll write again soon, when I can. I have pep band practice after school tomorrow. Won't that be just peachy after at least 2 weeks of not practicing. Joy.

Gggrrrrr

2004-12-31T07:01:00.000-11:00

I am so frustrated with my mother right now. I don't even want to talk to her. I don't care if it's New Years Eve. She is such a control freak. I can't stand it. Whenever she feels that something needs to be doen, she whines at everybody else to get it done. I whine to people, but I don't expect them to do anything about. I just releive stress. She expects everyone to care about what she wants done. Yesterday she wakes me up to a "Get up. There's work to do." Then I hear her argueing with my dad. I want to know what made her so mad. She said she had a migraine so she was cranky. I think that if she had a migraine she should have stayed in bed instead of getting up and making everybody else's lives miserable.
One of today's chores was to fold clothes. She tells me three times to do it, then she yells at me for not answering. She wasn't asking a question, so I don't see how she can expect an answer. So, its about noon when I decided to start on the clothes. she wanted them done by 1, so I figured an hour would be enough time. I go downstairs, expecting my brother to soon follow suit, and start folding clothes. I wait about 20 minutes, enough time for him to wrap up whatever he was doing, then I hollered upstairs for him to come and help. So he comes downstairs, takes my spot, then starts ordering me about, telling me how to arrange it all so we can both sit down. That really pissed me off, so we started arguing. My mom was on the phone, so he kept trying ot angrilly hush me which got me angrier. Then when my mom got off the phone, she starts yelling at me for making a fuss. She wouldn't beleive that Tyler caused it, then threatened to make me do it all by myself. I told her that I already was doing it by myself, and if anyone should be folding alone it should be Tyler. She called Tyler back to keep folding and when I wouldn't move back to my previous seat, next to my mom, Mom said that I would be folding alone.
by this time I was really mad, so I was just going to stop. I start going up stairs and she threatened to not let me go to the new years party. I stopped. Then she said she felt like she just wanted to beat me. I should have let her; then she would have had to explain to all her friends what a mean, frustrated person she really is. I could have called child services and totally eliminated her from my life. I don't think that would really help, and I can;t help thinking that there is some other reason that I am stuck with her. I can't wait to get out of here and away from her.
I know that anger does not motivate the best writing, and at some point I might regret saying any of this, but I need to vent. I think I am going to call my friend. I get to invite a friend to the New year's party. We are going over to a friends house and I get to bring someone along. I don't know if he is in town, or even if he'd want to go with an awful person like me who fights with her mom, but I'll ask anyway. if not I'll call my friend Katie.

Home Movies

2004-12-30T05:21:00.000-11:00

For Christmas, my family got another digital camera. We had one, but whenever my Dad went out of town, he took it. My Mom was getting really annoyed, so we got another one. This new camera is really cool- it can make movies. They are not the best quality, but pretty good anyway.
To understand the theme of the first movie, you must understand the sqirrels of my neighborhood. The squirrels are EVERYWHERE!!! My mom loves feeding the birds, but the squirrels eat almost all the food. To appease my mother my family is now waging war against the squirrels. The window of our kitchen opens up to the back deck where all the food is. The kitchen sink is directly underneath the window, so when we see a squirrel we open up the window as quickly and quietly as we can, start running hot water, then spray the bejeezes out of the squirrels with the spray nozzel. I thought that it was getting a little too cold to spray the squirrels lately- what if they caught cold or got hypothermia? I decided that for Christmas I would get my brother a nerf gun with which to shoot the squirrels. Paint guns were too expensive and the shots would probably kill the squirrels. Besides, the neighbors would get a little curious when they started seeing purple, blue, and green squirrels running around. However, this nerf gun is nice. It is a ten shot, easy fire nerf gun. My brother's room is right above the kitchen so he could easily fire upon insuspecting sqirrels.
Silly me. I thought he would use it to get the squirrels, but he decided that I looked too much like a squirrel. We would trade off and have fun shooting and dodging, but then it got dark outside. We went in to eat supper, and then went upstairs to shoot each other in his room. That was when Tyler discovered the camera again. I wasn't sure if he was actually taping so I shot at him anyway. tht was the first movie. We made about 7 movies all together, then peiced them together on some program. it was too funny for words. I look pretty stupid on film anyway and I sound like I am six, but this was the epitome of my blondeness. Or so I thought...
The second movie is coming along nicely. It is the Saga of Froobob. Froobob is a puppeteered character made when I am bored out of anything long, skinny, and fluffy. Froobob was born a few months ago when I wrapped a fuzzy skelt around my arm. He has a high, squeaky voice, but does not actually speak English yet. Froobob dies when my mother gets tired of listening to him, but he is always with me in spirit. Sometimes he is reincarnated, like the time with the Christmas garland, and he decided to make an appearance last night to be a movie star. the movie is not quite finished yet, though. We kept accidently making bloopers. Tyler kept misspeaking, say things like wops instead of hops or walks, or st-st-stuttering to keep from laughing at his own tiny foibles. We will probably finish the movie this afternoon. We must be going soon to get our passports. (Spring trip for band this year is a cruise in the Caribbean, so we need them.) Maybe I can find a way to get the movies online. My aunt and uncle posted some somehow, but I don't know how. Maybe I can convince Tyler to figure it out.

Hi

2004-12-29T11:33:00.000-11:00

Well, this is my very first Blogger blog. I hope this will be a good spot for me to enhance my writing skills. I usually write to simply vent feelings, but I hope this will be the start of a change. Anger does not produce the best writing.
I guess first I should dicuss myself as a person. I love analyzing things: numbers, people, places, actions, history, numbers, anything that I can sit and ponder for a while. I hope to write down some of my analysises here, and maybe start me thinking a little deeper. Writing is one of the best ways to spread ideas, and while I'm not guaranteeing that mine are the best, or even remotely good, there really is no harm in writing. Unless, of course, the writing is purely for judging others and bringing them down. I only want to write to take an unbiased look at things around the world, or to comment on the happenings in my life. I don't want to go about bashing others into walls and ruining their self esteems.
I also love crafting. Lately I've been knittign up a storm, but I also enjoy sewing, quilting, crocheting, painting when I feel like embarrassing myself, and doing anything that will get my hands moving. Usually my hands are ice cold, so I try to warm them up. I have been working on making and selling scarves made out of Fun Fur yarn. I need to get money to go on a band trip. Making scarves is pretty simple, and hardly takes any time at all. I am actually making "Skelts"- scarf/belts. They are just wide enought to wear as a chic scarf that dresses up any drab outfit in the winter, and in the hot or cold they are skinny enough to be worn as unique belts.
I am currently hoping to go to college and major in English, Creative Writing, and/or Journalism. Ever since I have been old enough to write I have been making up stories and writing most of them down. I first started with Toto Tales. My favorite stuffed animal was a little dog name Toto, after Dorothy's dog. We always went on wonderful adventures, full of conflict and romance, and I wanted to share them with the world. I don't know where they are now, but if I can't find them, maybe I will recreate some and post them online. I started other endevers, also about my multiple stuffed animal friends, but none ever got finished. For my cousins, all below age 12, I wrote many small plays based on well known fairy tales. Boy that was a trip. Do you know how hard it is to get 3 little kids to get along, let alone get them to concentrate on a project for hours at a time? On top of that, my own brother, the very one who started me on the concept of plays, decided that he was too "grownup" to be bothered with "plays". They were a sucess in the family, at any rate. Nobody will ever forget "Rabbits of the Moon" or "The Frog Prince." The hardest part for me was to back off and let my cousins have the main roles, letting them perform to the best of their own ability, be that good or bad.
Next I started work on some novels. I had so many ideas for different plots and twists and characters, but I never got around to actually completing one, or even gettign past Chapter 3. Those beginnings may never come out of the closet. Maybe I ought to finish one, just to see how it goes. I am always so busy with school work I have to time to let the real artist in me come out to finish painting the tales. Someday...
Band is one of the most prominant forces in my life right now. I play oboe in concert season, and I am learning bassoon. I am also still learning baritione (euphonium) for marching season. I started learning last year, reading treble clef, but I was only playing for abouth the first quarter, until football season ended. Over the summer we started playing again, but I had forgotten mostly everything and I didn't know what the treble clef pitches were. The section leaders all played bass clef, so they were no help at all. Finally, they told me I'd just have to learn bass clef and then they would help. So my whole time learning was backwards. I had to unravel all that I thought I had learned and learn again the right way. I got suckered into playing for pep band, hoping that it would help me improve, but it is so fast paced I just sound awful. I am getting better, but at my own slow, lumbering pace. Band in general demands so much more than people assume it would. Next year I hope to be drum major. I might actually make it considering I am one of the few contendants who has not annoyed half the people in the band. (At least not that I know of.) But then again, I might just not. Nobody will win by majority because there will be so many people trying out who may or may not do a good job. If I made head drum major I wouldn't have to worry about playing baritone any more because I wouldn't have to playat all!
This has certainly been a seriously long post, much longer than I had originally intended it to be. Oh well, but I must be off. TTFN, until my next post.